The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 15, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4928

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obvi...

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Jay-Z CEO Resigns After Stock Price Plunges

NEW YORK—Following a dismal second quarter in which the company’s stock price plummeted more than 30 percent, CEO Walter Kempman stunned shareholders Tuesday by announcing that he will resign his leadership of the New York–based entertai...

Zoo Visitors Watch Mating Rituals Of Ice Cream Shop Staff

ST. LOUIS—Describing the behavior as bizarre yet captivating, dozens of visitors to the Saint Louis Zoo reportedly looked on in fascination Saturday as the ice cream shop’s staff engaged in their unique mating rituals. According to eyewitnesse...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 9, 2013

Aries The suit jacket and tie might make you look more professional, but at the end of the day, you're still not wearing any pants. Taurus Try as you might, you'll find yourself completely unable to escape this week's M....

Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking

BELLEVILLE, MO—Scientists observing the behavior of local man David Berham told reporters on Monday that the 34-year-old, remarkably, is completely unable to control his facial muscles whenever he has to process information of any kind.

FAA Advises Asiana Airlines Pilot To Get Back Out There After Crash

'You Don’t Want To Lose Your Confidence,' Agency Says

WASHINGTON—Claiming that such incidents can “really mess with your head if you’re not careful,” Federal Aviation Administration officials on Monday urged Lee Kang-kook, the Asiana Airlines pilot who crash-landed a commercial airlin...

Best Music Festivals Of Summer 2013

The summer music festival season is in full swing, with music fans gathering by the thousands at outdoor venues for a chance to see dozens of their favorite artists perform live.
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