WASHINGTON—Following Sunday’s not guilty verdict in the George Zimmerman trial, an exasperated and speechless nation could reportedly do nothing other than wish black ...
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised ...
MASHPEE, MA—An 18-month infant is reportedly recovering from a severe case of heatstroke today after local parking lot attendees found her trapped inside a ...
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Heralding the breakthrough as a landmark achievement for artificial intelligence, engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday that they have successfully ...
NEW YORK—In a move that has shaken the already fragile publishing industry, struggling retail giant Fox Books officially filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Wednesday ...
WASHINGTON—Robert Linder, a miniature man who was among the closest and most trusted advisors to President Barack Obama and several past U.S.
FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant ...
WASHINGTON—Saying that she had put it off for a long time and that now was as good a time as any, Michelle Obama told ...
Former Speaker Wrote All Harry Potter Books, Sources Confirm
WASHINGTON—Following news that author J.K. Rowling had secretly authored the crime novel The Cuckoo’s Calling under the pen name Robert Galbraith earlier ...
ATLANTA—Following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the murder of African-American teenager Trayvon Martin, news network CNN convened a special on-air panel today to ...
WASHINGTON—Saying that, hey, it beats nothing, Americans across the nation expressed gratitude today that Shellie Dean Zimmerman, the Florida woman accused of lying to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In an astonishing moment of creative inspiration, local Twitter user Chase Munson, 29, told reporters Monday that his latest idea for a tweet ...
NEW YORK—Reflecting on the aftermath of the George Zimmerman trial, citizens across the nation prayed Tuesday that HBO’s The Newsroom somehow ends before ...
SANFORD, FL—Just days after being fully acquitted for his role in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman reportedly won the $37 million ...
MEDFORD, OR—After asking if you needed help while browsing wireless routers, a Best Buy employee is now going to give you a detailed explanation ...
WASHINGTON—House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) has reportedly been pressuring his wife to try new political positions, claiming the same old ones are getting ...
AMMAN, JORDAN—Arriving in the Middle East today for top-level negotiations with Palestinian and Israeli officials, a man who could not even devise a way ...
CHICAGO—Despite broiling temperatures that have plagued the residents of the Midwest and much of the Eastern Seaboard throughout the week, local man and lifelong ...
LOS ANGELES—In a sign of the growing influence of online streaming services in the television and broadcast industry, the fourth season of Wings, the ...
WASHINGTON—Following Thursday’s announcement that the city had declared bankruptcy, reports are confirming that Detroit may suddenly descend into a horrifying, depopulated hellscape, one ...
NEW YORK—According to 27-year-old Alex Wilson, the five-blade ceiling fan in his apartment’s common room is making the two-bedroom living space a veritable ...
LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into ...
Sci-fi, fantasy, and comic book fans from around the world will converge on Southern California this weekend for the 2013 San Diego Comic-Con International.
Try to select a gift that commemorates the divine occasion that is the union of two souls—two souls who have entwined themselves as one ...
Aries Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas. Taurus ...
$46.14 (+$3.08) (+7.15%) Five-year-old Aiden Growlin found a bunch of sticks, wanted to sell them, somehow got on the Dow Jones Industrial ...
NEW YORK—In the deadliest clash to date in the bitter and fierce rivalry, four National League fans were reportedly killed Tuesday when vicious riots ...
NEW YORK—The MLB All-Star festivities ended on a high note Monday as Detroit Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder wowed fans with his dominant performance ...
NEW YORK—Calling it “the perfect place for someone like me,” outspoken former Lakers forward Metta World Peace announced Monday that he had agreed to ...
CHORGES, FRANCE—With the grueling mountain stages now finished, excitement surrounding the Tour de France reached a fever pitch on Wednesday as cyclists began the ...
CANTON, OH—Following dozens of visitor complaints, officials at the Pro Football Hall of Fame announced Thursday that they have elected to take down an ...
ROUND ROCK, TX—In a remarkable demonstration of expertise, Round Rock Express designated hitter Manny Ramirez reportedly wowed his triple-A teammates Friday with his expansive ...
WASHINGTON—Calling the pictorial “disgusting” and “very unsettling,” millions of Americans were reportedly deeply disturbed by the semi-nude photos of 78-year-old Major League Baseball commissioner ...
With Manny Ramirez attempting to return to the MLB at 41 years old, Onion Sports provides a guide to athletic competitors with the most amazing ...
With the recent success of sports movies, Hollywood is once again prepared to cash in at the box office.
Rallies were held in cities nationwide yesterday and today, as thousands chanted, marched, and wore hooded sweatshirts in protest of the acquittal of George Zimmerman ...
Despite an 11-hour filibuster by state senator Wendy Davis two weeks earlier, the Texas legislature passed strict abortion limits during a special session called by ...
The kingpin of the extremely brutal Zetas drug cartel, Miguel Angel Trevino Morales, known as Z-40, was captured by Mexican Marines while traveling in a ...
Boy Scouts were required to undergo a body mass index screening to attend this week’s National Scout Jamboree, with the most obese being barred ...
Lun Lun, a 15-year-old giant panda housed at Zoo Atlanta, gave birth to a pair of twins this week, which join a panda family at ...
While studying pictures of Neptune, astronomer Mark Showalter noticed a small white spot that, upon further investigation, was found to be a previously unknown moon ...
Numerous retailers, including CVS, Walgreens, and 7-Eleven, said they will not sell the new issue of Rolling Stone featuring a tousle-haired Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on its ...
The Vatican will offer indulgences to believers who follow Pope Francis’ Twitter account, @pontifex, during next week’s World Youth Day, thereby reducing the amount ...
Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell ...
The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of ...
In yesterday’s issue we accidentally wrote “Julie Gallant” in place of every name in every article.
Monday’s paper was blank. The Onion apologizes.
Kevin Maguire unwittingly martyred himself Wednesday for the cause of getting a stop sign put up on Larchmont.
Donnie the cat had to be put to sleep Friday because, Jesus Christ, who has three grand for bladder stone removal?
Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.
Celebration Of Tim Lincecum's No-Hitter Marred By Gatorade Container Filled With Sulphuric Acid
Kid Way Too Old To Be Catching Fly Balls At Home Run Derby
Greg Oden Receiving Interest From Dallas Office Depot
Roddy White Urges Perkins Waitress Who Screwed Up Order To Kill Herself
Suicides Of Retired SlamBallers Linked To Everything But Concussions
Worst Soccer Ball Used As Goalpost
The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact ...
WASHINGTON—The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general-interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact ...
America’s 12th-favorite cartoon cat gets the big-screen treatment.