Royal Baby Born

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Issue 4929

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb

The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of Newt Gingrich, and the FBI is offering $1 million for any information on cheetahs.
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Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world. “I am very excited to report that the little sire has been born happy, hungry, and ready to greet the nation,” said a representative for the Royal Family, who noted that while the Duchess experienced some slight soreness during birth, it was all worth it to see the newborn prince in person. “We all simply cannot wait to see what our recent arrival has in store for Britain, and indeed the world at large.” At press time, the proud new mother was reportedly recovering in Buckingham Palace and unavailable for comment.