Royal Baby Born

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Issue 4929

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb

The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of Newt Gingrich, and the FBI is offering $1 million for any information on cheetahs.

The Onion’s Tips For Buying A Wedding Present

Try to select a gift that commemorates the divine occasion that is the union of two souls—two souls who have entwined themselves as one in an ageless bond of mutual and deeply felt love, respect, and adoration—like a serving tray or a Bissell...

Heat Wave Doesn’t Bother Local Contrarian

CHICAGO—Despite broiling temperatures that have plagued the residents of the Midwest and much of the Eastern Seaboard throughout the week, local man and lifelong contrarian Martin Rivers told reporters Thursday that the ongoing heat wave does not in...

Pro Football Hall Of Fame Removes Aaron Hernandez’s Gun

CANTON, OH—Following dozens of visitor complaints, officials at the Pro Football Hall of Fame announced Thursday that they have elected to take down an exhibit featuring a firearm owned by former New England Patriots tight end and current murder sus...

Fox Books Files For Bankruptcy

NEW YORK—In a move that has shaken the already fragile publishing industry, struggling retail giant Fox Books officially filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Wednesday, sources confirmed. Once known as the “Big Bad Wolf” for its ability to pu...


Donnie the cat had to be put to sleep Friday because, Jesus Christ, who has three grand for bladder stone removal?

4 NL Fans Killed In Brutal All-Star Game Riots

NEW YORK—In the deadliest clash to date in the bitter and fierce rivalry, four National League fans were reportedly killed Tuesday when vicious riots erupted at Citi Field following the 2013 MLB All-Star game. An NYPD spokesperson confirmed that the...

MIT Scientists Create Robot Capable Of Feeling Lust

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Heralding the breakthrough as a landmark achievement for artificial intelligence, engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday that they have successfully developed the first robot capable of feeling human ...

Kevin Maguire

Kevin Maguire unwittingly martyred himself Wednesday for the cause of getting a stop sign put up on Larchmont.

Infant Child Left In Sweet Camaro

MASHPEE, MA—An 18-month infant is reportedly recovering from a severe case of heatstroke today after local parking lot attendees found her trapped inside a sweet-ass Camaro, police said in a press conference today. Officials said the infant, Annabel...

George Zimmerman Wins Florida State Lottery

SANFORD, FL—Just days after being fully acquitted for his role in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman reportedly won the $37 million Florida Lottery jackpot last night.

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine

SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow fa...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 16, 2013

Aries Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas. Taurus Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name,...

Zimmerman Found Not Guilty, Technically, But C’mon

SANFORD, FL—More than 16 months after he fatally shot 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in an altercation at a Florida condominium development, neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman was found, technically speaking, not guilty of murder Saturday, bu...

Great Career Comebacks

With Manny Ramirez attempting to return to the MLB at 41 years old, Onion Sports provides a guide to athletic competitors with the most amazing career comebacks. Hank Aaron: After hitting into a double play in his first Major League at-bat,...

J.K. Rowling Revealed To Be Pseudonym For Newt Gingrich

Former Speaker Wrote All Harry Potter Books, Sources Confirm

WASHINGTON—Following news that author J.K. Rowling had secretly authored the crime novel The Cuckoo’s Calling under the pen name Robert Galbraith earlier this year, multiple reports confirmed today that Rowling, widely known as the auth...
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Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world. “I am very excited to report that the little sire has been born happy, hungry, and ready to greet the nation,” said a representative for the Royal Family, who noted that while the Duchess experienced some slight soreness during birth, it was all worth it to see the newborn prince in person. “We all simply cannot wait to see what our recent arrival has in store for Britain, and indeed the world at large.” At press time, the proud new mother was reportedly recovering in Buckingham Palace and unavailable for comment.