The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 29, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4930

Notable Sports Suspensions

With the MLB suspending Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun 65 games for violating the league's drug policy, Onion Sports takes a look at some of the most significant punishments in the history of athletics.

Annual 6-Sentence Conversation With Cousin Goes Smoothly

PEORIA, IL—In keeping with the pair’s time-honored yearly tradition, local resident Bruce Malden reportedly made it through a “smooth and uneventful” six-sentence exchange with cousin Jeanelle Fowler at his family’s annual re...

Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had “a major shitstorm” he had to deal with, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly had a guy named Worm sit in for him at a cabinet meeting Thursday, assuring senior officials in the administration that his budd...

Print Dead At 1,803

NEW YORK—Sources close to print, the method of applying ink to paper in order to convey information to a mass audience, have confirmed that the declining medium passed away early Thursday morning. The influential means of communication was 1,803. Pr...

Jason Noggoh

Jason Noggoh slid headfirst down the slippery slope into dog marriage.

Frustrated Novelist No Good At Describing Hands

GLOUCESTER, MA—Admitting that he has “absolutely no idea how other authors do it,” novelist Edward Milligan, 46, told reporters Tuesday that he’s just no good at all when it comes to describing people’s hands in his writing. ...

Doctors Clear RGIII’s Knee For Light Tearing

RICHMOND, VA—Calling it an encouraging sign for the 23-year-old, Redskins team doctors have reportedly cleared quarterback Robert Griffin III’s knee to resume light tearing this week, team sources confirmed Wednesday.

Area Man Treats Girlfriend To Sumptuous 20-Second Massage

BETHEL PARK, PA—In an unexpected outpouring of generosity and affection, local man Adam MacMillan spent 20 seconds Tuesday evening treating Melanie Traynor, his girlfriend of three years, to a luxurious back and neck massage on the couple’s co...

Jessica Farthing and Mark Harris

Jessica Farthing and Mark Harris were joined together in marriage Saturday, but split soon afterwards when Farthing realized she had the wrong Mark Harris.

Wildman Currently Raging Across Southern California

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Several cities in Southern California were placed under a state of high alert early Tuesday after a large and markedly destructive wildman began sweeping through Santa Barbara County, sources confirmed. 

Highlights From Pope Francis’ Trip To Brazil

Blesses each colored tile of the Escadaria Selaron Attempts to say something nice about the abject poverty Walks through streets of Rio shaking hands with citizens and whispering in each person’s ear, “I am the pope” Slyly works “...

Ryan Braun: 'Never Believe Any Of Us'

MILWAUKEE—In his first statement after receiving a 65-game suspension from baseball, Brewers slugger Ryan Braun called on fans Tuesday to remember that every single word that he or any other baseball player accused of using steroids has ever said pu...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of July 23, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Hopscotch David Herowitz (Manning, $18.99) A book with a fun-sounding title, but the cover’s dark colors and bold fonts make it clear that it’s actually a thriller...

Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes

LONDON—Just hours after the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a healthy baby boy, a source close to the Royal Family reported today that the newborn heir to the British throne has his father’s eyes.

Royal Baby Speaks First Words

LONDON—Mere hours after Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton gave birth, excited sources close to the family reported that the royal newborn has already uttered his very first words.

Royal Baby Eats First Meal

LONDON—Sources close to Buckingham Palace are confirming that members of the Royal Family convened today to celebrate the infant prince’s first meal.

Royal Baby Already Crawling

LONDON—Mere hours after the well-publicized birth of the Prince of Cambridge, representatives for the British Royal Family announced that their newest member has already begun crawling.

Generous Improv Troupe Performing For Free

NEW YORK—In a commendable act of charity and goodwill, local improv troupe Calhoun reportedly showcased their talents completely free of charge Sunday night in the basement of a local performing arts space.

Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand corner of the online publication is nothing short of usele...

Nintendo Entertainment System Turns 30

The original version of the Nintendo Entertainment System, known as the Famicom or Nintendo Family Computer, first became available in Japan 30 years ago this month.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: