CAMDEN, ME—Longtime acquaintances confirmed to reporters this week that local man Michael Husmer, an unambitious 29-year-old loser who leads an enjoyable and fulfilling life ...
GLOUCESTER, MA—Admitting that he has “absolutely no idea how other authors do it,” novelist Edward Milligan, 46, told reporters Tuesday that he’s just ...
NEW YORK—Sources close to print, the method of applying ink to paper in order to convey information to a mass audience, have confirmed that ...
MINNEAPOLIS—The National Weather Service is reporting that the clouds over Minneapolis have parted, the sun is shining, and the sky is just a little ...
WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had “a major shitstorm” he had to deal with, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly had a guy named Worm sit in ...
WASHINGTON—A blank piece of legislation that says nothing, does nothing, and contains no text whatsoever has been the source of heated debate in Washington ...
CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in ...
NEW YORK—In a commendable act of charity and goodwill, local improv troupe Calhoun reportedly showcased their talents completely free of charge Sunday night in ...
LONDON—Mere hours after the well-publicized birth of the Prince of Cambridge, representatives for the British Royal Family announced that their newest member has already ...
LONDON—Sources close to Buckingham Palace are confirming that members of the Royal Family convened today to celebrate the infant prince’s first meal.
LONDON—Mere hours after Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton gave birth, excited sources close to the family reported that the royal newborn has already uttered ...
LONDON—Just hours after the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a healthy baby boy, a source close to the Royal Family reported today that ...
PAOLI, PA—Instructing his wife and children to stay away from the den for the next few hours, area dad Dave Landler has announced that ...
JOHANNESBURG—Following reports that Nelson Mandela is showing sustained improvement as he recovers from a recurring lung infection, media sources confirmed Monday that the former ...
CHERRY HILL, NJ—Upon learning that you cannot go swimming with everyone else because you left your bathing suit at home, local pool owner Gary ...
CHARLESTON, SC—Despite bringing in a cool grand—that’s 1,000 U.S. dollars in cash—every month, South Carolina resident and Sports Authority ...
DORCHESTER, MA—The ongoing trial of notorious Boston crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger on 19 murder-related charges took another pivotal turn today as Massachusetts authorities ...
BETHEL PARK, PA—In an unexpected outpouring of generosity and affection, local man Adam MacMillan spent 20 seconds Tuesday evening treating Melanie Traynor, his girlfriend ...
NEW YORK—Announcing his decision to remain in the New York City mayoral race, a man whose self-taken cell phone photographs of his penis have ...
NEWTON, MA—Despite exhibiting what numerous acquaintances have described as a distinctly odd appearance, local man Daniel Hobson has somehow managed to look relatively normal ...
RICHMOND, VA—Sources at the downtown Whole Foods location reported this afternoon that one of the grocery store’s salad bar patrons apparently felt compelled ...
WASHINGTON—The continued efforts of lawmakers to overhaul the nation’s immigration system gained considerable momentum Wednesday when House Speaker John Boehner announced that he ...
PEORIA, IL—In keeping with the pair’s time-honored yearly tradition, local resident Bruce Malden reportedly made it through a “smooth and uneventful” six-sentence exchange ...
CRESTON, IA—Saying that he detected the "telltale signs" the first time he lay down in it, local infant Joshua Singer told reporters Friday that ...
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting that its incoming class of high school freshmen is their most coddled to date, instructors at Chestnut Ridge Academy for the Arts ...
The original version of the Nintendo Entertainment System, known as the Famicom or Nintendo Family Computer, first became available in Japan 30 years ago this ...
Blesses each colored tile of the Escadaria Selaron Attempts to say something nice about the abject poverty Walks through streets of Rio shaking hands with ...
After the bad thing you did is first uncovered, try not to keep doing that bad thing.
ARIES Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you'll soon be labeled as NSFW.
$118.91 (+$6.24) (+5.54%) Despite having no obvious business model, shares continue to rise as more and more investors are inexplicably drawn to ...
INDIANAPOLIS—Having already received interest from several other NBA teams, reports confirmed Thursday that former Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden suppressed acute shooting pains ...
CHICAGO—In the midst of heated debate over the installation of Wrigley Field’s first-ever Jumbotron, officials from the Chicago Cubs stressed Monday that the ...
NEW YORK—After officially announcing his move from The New York Times to ESPN, prominent statistician and blogger Nate Silver reportedly urged Americans Monday to ...
DOVER, DE—After Phil Mickelson birdied the 18th hole at Muirfield to assure his British Open victory last Sunday, local dad Tom Culp reportedly broke ...
MILWAUKEE—In his first statement after receiving a 65-game suspension from baseball, Brewers slugger Ryan Braun called on fans Tuesday to remember that every single ...
MILWAUKEE—Following news that Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun will sit out the rest of 2013 due to his alleged involvement with performance-enhancing drug supplier ...
RICHMOND, VA—Calling it an encouraging sign for the 23-year-old, Redskins team doctors have reportedly cleared quarterback Robert Griffin III’s knee to resume light ...
OXNARD, CA—According to sources inside the Dallas Cowboys training staff, quarterback Tony Romo returned to the practice field Thursday for the first time since ...
LINTON, IN—While sitting at the Sportsman Pub’s bar Thursday, local man Gregory Quinn, who has never felt so lonely and isolated in his ...
With the MLB suspending Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun 65 games for violating the league's drug policy, Onion Sports takes a look at some ...
Paleontologists have discovered a previously unknown species of dinosaur called Nasutoceratops, a name that translates to “large-nosed horned face,” which lived during the Cretaceous period ...
A team of Israeli archaeologists claim to have uncovered the ruins of the famed biblical King David’s palace near Jerusalem, though some historians and ...
Warner Bros. Pictures announced that a sequel to this summer’s blockbuster Man of Steel would feature Superman teaming up with Batman, with the film ...
According to a study appearing in the journal Circulation, older men who routinely skipped breakfast had a 27 percent higher risk of a heart attack ...
According to a new study, dolphins call and respond to one another using distinctive, personalized whistles, suggesting the marine mammals use and recognize individual names ...
New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner said he would not drop out of the race after evidence surfaced that he again sent images of ...
Authorities in California ordered the involuntary psychiatric hospitalization of embattled 27-year-old former actress Amanda Bynes after she allegedly started a fire in a stranger’s ...
According to a new study, the discrimination that people face regarding their weight, including stigmatizing, teasing, and name-calling, does not motivate them to shed pounds ...
The celebrated British romantic fiction author Jane Austen, who famously penned Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility, will appear on Great Britain’s new ...
Police closed the Lincoln Memorial early today after discovering that vandals had splattered green paint along the base of the iconic statue of 16th president ...
According to a new study, tall postmenopausal women are more likely to develop cancer than shorter women, with researchers finding that every 4-inch increase in ...
My dearest The Onion,
Apologies for being remiss in correspondence. Have been quite ill with the grippe some four days, but recovering. Yanks have advanced ...
Dear The Onion,
How dare you!
Linda Gaddis, Sun Prairie, WI
The Royal baby speaks his first words, an unambitious loser with a happy, fulfilling life still lives in his hometown, and a pool owner has ...
Jessica Farthing and Mark Harris were joined together in marriage Saturday, but split soon afterwards when Farthing realized she had the wrong Mark Harris.
Jason Noggoh slid headfirst down the slippery slope into dog marriage.
Bob Skylar, 33, married Elizabeth Honing, 28. But why? Can someone please answer that?
With 5th Major, Phil Mickelson Joins Elite Group No One Had Energy To Research
Jason Garrett Despondent After Finding Bill Cowher’s Resume In Cowboys Office Printer
Chris Berman Openly Addresses Nate Silver As 'Faggot' On First Day
Coworker Refers To Brewers-Padres Matchup As 'The Game'
Capital One To Sponsor Fiery Crash During Lap 58 Of Brickyard 400
Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces ...
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in ...
This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Hopscotch David Herowitz (Manning, $18.99) A book with a fun-sounding title ...