Negligent Father Isn't Building A Castle To Protect Family From Apocalypse

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Issue 4931

Reading Rainbow Trout

PBS 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

It’s Sluglike, Is What Sources Are Trying To Say

WASHINGTON—Despite recent hopes that the lifeless U.S. employment climate may at last be turning a corner, a new report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that nationwide job growth remains sluggish, or rather, akin to a slug in i...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Edward Snowden’s Life Just Flat-Out Fun And Exciting

MOSCOW—Citing a whirlwind month and a half in which he leaked classified details of a massive government surveillance operation, secretly fled from the United States to Hong Kong, and became a figure of national and global intrigue, sources confirme...

Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio

CAPE CORAL, FL—Marcus Webster, a full-grown adult with a job, responsibilities, and who stopped being 10 years old over 25 years ago, was observed walking into a karate studio yesterday, sources confirmed.

Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible

SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people to eat her, sources confirmed Tuesday.

RGIII Assures Doctors He Can Barely Even Feel Knee

RICHMOND, VA—Putting the fears of coaches, fans, and the organization to rest, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III reportedly assured team doctors Thursday that he can barely even feel his reconstructed right knee.

Bashar Al-Assad Introduces Syrian Bike-Sharing Program

DAMASCUS—Saying that the initiative will reduce vehicle traffic, improve local air quality, and foster a strong sense of community, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced Tuesday that city transportation authorities across the nation will soon l...

Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern Califor...

Albino Tracker

Fox 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT This week we aggressively follow another albino because they fascinate us. But when we corner them, we find that maybe they aren’t so different from us after all.

Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store

JACKSON, MS—Though he remains quiet and reclusive in nearly all other situations, local resident Frank Collins “really brightens up and comes into his own” when he visits Larry’s Guns & Ammo in downtown Jackson...

Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself

NEW YORK—Sources are confirming that a sad fucking loser, who many speculate has no friends or anyone in his life to talk to, is currently attending a 1:30 p.m. screening of the film Red 2 all by himself.

Tech Is The Future, Reports Local Dad

NAPERVILLE, IL—Beginning his remarks by saying “These tech guys, I’ll tell you what,” local dad Alan Estlin stressed in conversation with his daughter today the important role he foresees the technology industry playing in the futu...

Report: Only .00003% Of Things That Happen Actually Matter

WASHINGTON—Despite the sense of importance virtually all people place on the details of their day-to-day lives, a new report out this week from the Pew Research Center found that only three in every 10 million things that happen actually matter.

Husband Experimenting With Open Marriage

BAR HARBOR, ME—Saying that he has reached a point in his married life where he’s ready to “shake things up a little,” local husband Aaron Elsburg told reporters Monday that he has decided to pursue an open marriage.

Under the Dome

CBS 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT The dome starts to get a little smudgy, what with everybody touching it all the time.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Negligent Father Isn't Building A Castle To Protect Family From Apocalypse

Neighbors are up in arms over a careless homeowner who seemingly has no plans to turn his house into an impregnable fortress.