NEW YORK—Sources are confirming that a sad fucking loser, who many speculate has no friends or anyone in his life to talk to, is ...
MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke ...
BAR HARBOR, ME—Saying that he has reached a point in his married life where he’s ready to “shake things up a little,” local ...
WASHINGTON—Despite the sense of importance virtually all people place on the details of their day-to-day lives, a new report out this week from the ...
VATICAN CITY—Following Pope Francis’ tolerant remarks Sunday about homosexuals and the Catholic Church, Vatican officials reportedly went into crisis mode, announcing that the Pope ...
NAPERVILLE, IL—Beginning his remarks by saying “These tech guys, I’ll tell you what,” local dad Alan Estlin stressed in conversation with his daughter ...
NEW YORK—In a historic announcement that analysts say marks major changes for the advertising industry, senior leadership at Omincom Group, Inc.
AUBURN, AL—According to a new study published Monday by zoologists at Auburn University, the neurological framework of an ape is in fact incredibly close ...
BROOKLYN, NY—Blushing in pleasant surprise after receiving the admiring attentions of a pedestrian Tuesday morning, local woman Maley Phillips, 25, told friends she was ...
JACKSON, MS—Though he remains quiet and reclusive in nearly all other situations, local resident Frank Collins “really brightens up and comes into his own ...
WASHINGTON—While attending a legislative strategy session this afternoon, Virginia congressman Alan James reportedly caught sight of a young female aide in attendance and, ah ...
ATLANTA—According to employees at Polaris Marketing, an email sent today by coworker Tim Voss, 31, trying to organize an office-wide social outing after work ...
LOS ANGELES—Saying that she wants nothing more than for her client to gain the fame and notoriety he deserves, Hollywood publicist Kelsey Schumacher told ...
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Citing the pair’s “earnest expressions” and “apparent belief in the power of honest dialogue,” sources said Tuesday that the open-minded, nonjudgmental conversation ...
DAMASCUS—Saying that the initiative will reduce vehicle traffic, improve local air quality, and foster a strong sense of community, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced ...
NEW YORK—Self-proclaimed fans of artificially sleek movies that at no point appear as though they contain real human beings onscreen in real locations doing ...
Rush Limbaugh’s eponymous national radio show celebrates 25 years in syndication this Thursday.
Here are some notable ways the Church’s views on homosexuality have evolved over the years:
Here are the cases the two sides are making:
Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones ...
$8.67 (-$2.45) (-33.84%) Shares once again sank as no one wanted their spinal cord tied into a knot.
NEW YORK—As evidence of doping continues to mount against the 14-time MLB All-Star, reports surfaced Wednesday confirming that throughout the course of his 19-year ...
ALTOONA, PA—Admitting that the promotion has not been as successful as they would have hoped, salespeople at Mattingly Perkins Automotive told reporters Wednesday that ...
Pope Francis said today that he would not judge gay priests so long as they are faithful and have good will, claiming that it is ...
Following months of diplomacy by Secretary of State John Kerry, high-ranking officials from Israel and the Palestinian territories resumed direct peace talks Monday in Washington ...
U.S. border patrol agents reportedly found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s tour bus as it passed from Canada into Detroit Sunday, though Bieber himself ...
Within the next year, two 242-foot-long, $2.7 billion helium blimps will be deployed into the skies above Washington, D.C., using advanced radar and ...
Following a legal settlement with Ben & Jerry’s, porn studio Caballero Video will not release its Ben & Cherry’s line of pornographic videos, featuring such ...
A recent study found that people who drink two to four cups of coffee daily are 50 percent less likely to commit suicide than those ...
The mule should have been No. 5 instead of No. 12 on our annual animal rankings. The Onion regrets the error.
CBS
10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT
The dome starts to get a little smudgy, what with everybody touching it all the time.
Fox
9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT
This week we aggressively follow another albino because they fascinate us. But when we corner them ...
Diesel-Powered Car's Victory At Nascar Race Qualifies As Breaking Of Racial Barrier
Score From BCS Title Game Still Hanging Around On ESPN Crawl
Vikings Announce Plan To Limit Greg Jennings' Idiotic Remarks
July 29—Police were alerted to a wall on Douglas Street that had been covered with graffiti, but refused to pass judgment on someone else ...