adBlockCheck

Carl Tresvant

Top Headlines

Issue 4932

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.

Disney’s ‘Toy Tales’ Hits Theaters Friday

GLENDALE, CA—Sources at Walt Disney Animation Studios told reporters today they are expecting big things from their brand-new computer-animated feature film Toy Tales, which will debut in theaters across the country this Friday.

ESPN.com Acquires ESPN.go.com

BRISTOL, CT—In a merger of the two online sports news giants, top executives at ESPN.com announced Thursday that they have fully acquired and subsumed rival website ESPN.go.com.

Elizabeth Cho

Elizabeth Cho watched the sunset all the way to the end even after it started getting boring.

Alex Schlemmer

34-year-old Alex Schlemmer is still to this day able to remember all the TV station numbers and affiliations from his childhood.

Bob Woodward Gets New Job

BELLEVUE, WA—Following yesterday’s announcement that Amazon.com founder Jeffrey Bezos would be purchasing daily newspaper The Washington Post, sources confirmed today that Post associate editor and legendary investigative journal...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 6, 2013 

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae. Taurus Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right...

How The NSA Collects Your Data

In the wake of the Edward Snowden whistleblowing scandal, pressure has mounted from citizens at large as well as politicians on both sides of the aisle to curb the National Security Agency’s domestic espionage powers.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close