The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 19, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4933

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.

Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft. Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage throu...

Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome

‘It’s Gatcaatgaggtggacaccagaggc…’

PALO ALTO, CA—Revealing the long-awaited results of a 10-year study conducted by a massive international research team, scientists confirmed Thursday that work on the Human Genome Enunciation Project was finally complete.

Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East

CAIRO—Following deadly clashes on Wednesday between government forces and supporters of recently deposed President Mohamed Morsi, sources confirmed that Egypt has descended into a state of total Middle East.

Under The Porch

Listen to the soothing sounds of conversations with people who don’t know you can hear them while sitting on an old tarp near some cinderblocks.

Friend Asks If There Any Openings At Job He Constantly Mocks

SEATTLE—After politely broaching the subject last week with inquiries about recent hires and overall staff size, sources confirmed Wednesday that area man John Davies asked his friend Matthew Harrison if there were any openings at the real estate in...

Some Kind Of Smart-Ass Wearing Kevin Kolb Jersey

BUFFALO, NY—Speculating that he must think he’s “real goddamn funny,” observers at Overtime Sports Bar & Grill confirmed Monday that a man is walking around wearing a Kevin Kolb jersey like some kind of smart-ass.

Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue

ALLENTOWN, PA—Friends of local man Charles Wyatt, an intolerant asshole who unrepentantly despises all non-Caucasians, confirmed Tuesday that the deeply bigoted man makes the best barbecue around.

The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 13, 2013

Aries Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle. Taurus Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you’re ...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of August 13, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Bloodface Malcolm Gladwell (Back Bay Books, $18.99) The author of The Tipping Point and Outliers tries his hand at psychological thrillers in this novel about a ...

Headline About So-Called Lobsterman Extremely Misleading

BAY VILLAGE, OH—Numerous internet users reported feeling extremely misled Monday by a news website’s headline, “Lobsterman Safe After Being Pulled From Ocean,” noting that the associated article contained neither images nor a detai...

25 Years Of Al-Qaeda

Sunday marked the 25th anniversary of the founding of the global terrorist network al-Qaeda. Here are some of the milestone moments in the militant organization’s 25-year history
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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