Issue 4934

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Nate Silver Vows To Teach Chris Berman How To Read

BRISTOL, CT—Weeks following the announcement of his move to ESPN, renowned statistician Nate Silver told reporters Friday that he has made it his personal goal to teach his coworker and fellow analyst Chris Berman how to read. Silver confirmed that ...

Narrow Gaps In Bathroom Stall Doors To Be Widened Monday

WASHINGTON—Introducing a new measure set to be implemented nationwide, officials announced that gaps in restroom stall doors in American workplaces, restaurants, schools, theaters, and all other public places will be made wider by the start of busin...

Biden Time

A&E 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Joe’s constant fidgeting leads Starla to think his piercing is infected.

Saturday, August 31

The Petersons will have an Open Jump on their new trampoline this Saturday from 1 to 6 p.m., after which it will never be used again.

Study: People Far Away From You Not Actually Smaller

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a groundbreaking new study published Thursday in The Journal Of Natural And Applied Sciences, people who are far away from you are actually not, as once thought, physically smaller than you. The five-year study, con...

New Evidence Confirms A-Rod Invented Steroids

NEW YORK—In another blow to the disgraced superstar’s legacy, Major League Baseball officials reportedly acquired new evidence this week confirming that third baseman Alex Rodriguez invented steroids.

Friday, August 30

Aug. 30: The usual cast of weirdos will be showing up to whatever free thing is going on at the Wilmont Community Center.

Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

‘I Wonder If Stacy Already Has A Date To Fall Ball?’

SAN ANTONIO—NCG Information Systems sales associate Greg Autry told reporters Wednesday that he is currently in the process of “psyching himself up” to ask Head Database Management Analyst Stacy Donahue to their office’s annual Fal...

BREAKING: Middle East Conflict Not Solved Today

CAIRO—According to late-breaking reports emerging from Damascus, Gaza, Baghdad and elsewhere across the region, the deadly, generations-long conflict in the Middle East was not resolved today. Reporters at Mideast bureau offices as well as scores of...

Can You Cuddle That?

Animal Planet 9 p.m. EDT/ 8 p.m. CDT This week, host Frankie Satchen sees if he can lovingly snuggle a basset hound, a startled cow, and a salamander.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 20, 2013

Aries Try listening to your body this week. It's got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page. Taurus Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at E...

Crullers Explained

ST. PAUL, MN—After mentioning the deep-fat-fried pastry in conversation and drawing a blank stare, local man Greg Weinberg proceeded to explain crullers to his friend Jeffrey Tomlinson, sources confirmed Monday.

The NFL’s Top 10 Running Backs

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position.

Stove Alone

FOX 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT The evil furnace from Home Alone finally gets its own spinoff TV show in which it lives in a New York apartment with some kooky neighbors.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.