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Issue 4935

The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria

While the Obama administration has been considering an armed intervention in Syria following the gassing deaths of hundreds of Syrian civilians, a vocal movement in Congress and among the general public has emerged in opposition of any U.S.

Courtroom Artist Clearly Infatuated With Bailiff

The Syria conflict intensifies as bears enter the war, a report shows that millions of courageous Americans are overcoming the media pressure to be thin, and the nation’s single men announce a plan to change their bedsheets by 2019.

Bricks Goddamned Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study

PHILADELPHIA—A psychotic study authored by deranged researchers at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed Thursday that “the bricks…the bricks are goddamned everywhere.” Written in a reported four days, the 20,000-page document ...

Rookie Geno Smith Has Already Mastered Jets Offense

NEW YORK—After Jets quarterback Geno Smith finished last week’s game against the Giants with a 45.7 passer rating, head coach Rex Ryan told reporters Thursday that the team is very encouraged by the rookie’s mastery of their offensive sy...

Features Of ‘Madden 25’

With Electronic Arts releasing Madden NFL 25 this week, Onion Sports examines the new and innovative features of the popular football video game series. Over 30 new running moves that you’ll never figure out how to use Four-player coo...

Eternal Bliss

Walk in heavenly, pristine halls of alabaster with the Lord at your side. Slumber in gossamer bedding to the soothing strains of golden-voiced cherubim.

Syria Conflict Intensifies As Bears Enter War

DAMASCUS—Syria’s ongoing civil war entered a new and dangerous phase today as tens of thousands of bloodthirsty bears reportedly descended on the strife-torn country, charging from city to city on a murderous rampage. Terrified witnesses confi...

Phantom Landlord

The caretaker of this comfortable, sunny 1-bedroom apartment will fix any maintenance issue in a timely and professional manner without your ever knowing what the fuck he looks like.

Entire Nation Pitches In To Save Yosemite

'C'mon, Gang! This Is Our Park'

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—With a can-do spirit and repeated chants of “Let’s save America’s park!” folks from every corner of this great nation packed a bag, hopped on a plane, and joined together in a race against time Tuesday to...

Obama Weighing His Syria Option

WASHINGTON—Facing mounting domestic and international pressure to respond to the deployment of chemical weapons by the government of Bashar al-Assad, White House sources confirmed today that President Barack Obama is carefully weighing his option fo...

Lamar Odom Representative Denies Basketball Player Missing

‘He’s In A Crack House,’ Agent Assures Media

LOS ANGELES—Following numerous unofficial reports that former Los Angeles Lakers forward and current free agent Lamar Odom has gone missing, a representative for the basketball player sought to quash the speculation surrounding his client and his wh...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 27, 2013

Aries You'll continue playing dress-up this week, despite being almost 30, and feeling kind of silly every time you put on that professional-looking suit. Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but o...

Town Nervously Welcomes Veteran Back Home

BEVERLY, MA—Upon Sgt. 1st Class Ted Orcutt’s return from a year of active combat duty in Afghanistan, the 34-year-old veteran’s tight-knit community came out in full force to nervously welcome him home, sources reported Monday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Tough Season returns with a gritty, hard-hitting look inside the fantasy football locker room of Brad’s Awesome Team.