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Issue 4936

Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL Week One games: Ravens at Broncos OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Broncos — The Broncos will win this game in a 49-27 rout o...

Nicole Walden

A memorial service will be held Friday for Nicole Walden, the world’s first “Nikki,” who passed away peacefully yesterday at 92.

New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11

MILFORD, CT—Citing a wide range of deals customers will “never forget,” fast food chain Subway announced an exciting new promotion this week to honor and commemorate Subtember 11.

Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts

LOS ANGELES—Nearly three years after being embroiled in a sexual harassment scandal involving allegations that Brett Favre sent her a series of suggestive text messages, model and media personality Jenn Sterger revealed to reporters Friday that she ...

R.A. Has Bad Feeling About Kid In Cloak

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying that he’s “gonna have to keep an eye on that one,” Ohio State University resident assistant Scott Joachim confirmed Wednesday that he is “not getting a good vibe” from the freshman student on his flo...

Len Hilt

Len Hilt, 89, died after a brief illness. He enjoyed brief illnesses and presumably died a contented man.

Tough Season - The Draft - Ep. 2

Larry Fitzgerald anxiously waits to find out which fantasy team he’ll play for this year, while coach Brad Blevins tries not to panic over his first round pick.

Breaking: Tim Tebow Drawing Interest From Media

NEW YORK—Late-breaking reports from several major broadcasting outlets confirmed moments ago that recently cut quarterback Tim Tebow is currently drawing a significant amount of interest from American media.

Ariel Castro Failed By System

ORIENT, OH—In yet another glaring indication of the nation’s broken criminal justice system, Ohio correctional officers discovered the body of inmate Ariel Castro, a Cleveland man serving a life sentence on rape and kidnapping charges, hanging...

New Skin Cream To Do Something

CINCINNATI—Representatives from Olay skin products confirmed Monday that their new skin cream does something, like “something that has to do with aging, or smoothness, or some other skin thing.” “You apply it, and it makes your ski...

Royal Baby Already Making New Friends

LONDON—Just six weeks after entering into the world, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today that the newborn heir to the British throne is already making new friends.

Personal Trainer Has Desk

DALLAS—After seeing the inside of a small office room near the elliptical machines at Fitworks Gym, sources confirmed Monday that personal trainer Marc Robinson has a desk.

Walt Streit

Walt Streit passed away Monday at the age of 74. In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to write a rambling, incoherent anti-immigration letter to your local newspaper.

Mom Loved ‘Fruitvale Station’

CINCINNATI—Saying that “oh, I just thought it was so powerful” and “Dad loved it too,” local mom Deborah Ward informed family sources this week that she loved the film Fruitvale Station.

Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad

GULF OF MEXICO—Just one day after Diana Nyad completed her record-breaking swim from Cuba to Florida, a local box jellyfish expressed its deep disappointment Tuesday morning at narrowly failing to achieve its lifelong dream of killing the 64-year-ol...

God Feeling Down In Dumps After Death Of Grandmother

THE HEAVENS—Grief-stricken from the sudden death of His paternal grandmother last week, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, reported Tuesday He “hasn’t felt this sad in millennia.” “It’s been re...

The NFL's Top 10 Cornerbacks

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 3, 2013

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle. Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, ...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 2, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man In An Awkward Phase As A Mod Wearing A Turtleneck James Joyce (Little Brown, $14.99) The author embraces a period of life most people pre...
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