Issue 4937

Out That Innie!

Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Cash and prizes are awarded to contestants who, through a combination of holding their breath and clenching really hard, are able to push their belly buttons out.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week two games: Jets at Patriots OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Patriots — Expect Pat...

Stop Sign Taking Forever To Change

Apple unveils a panicked man with no ideas, Bashar Al-Assad tries a tiny bit of sarin gas on himself to see what it’s like, and a billboard alerts commuters to the existence of a situational comedy starring stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld.

Department Of Agriculture Locates Perfect Goat

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing the animal’s ideal physical features and archetypally frisky behavior, Department of Agriculture officials announced at a press conference Thursday that the agency had successfully located the perfect goat.

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news. The sick man, who confirmed that he makes a concerted effort t...

Saved By The Liberty Bell

NBC 4 p.m. EDT/3 p.m. CDT John Adams has finally scored a date with gorgeous Kelly Hancock, but will they get home in time for Benjamin “Screech” Franklin to study for the big test?

Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart

OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of Derek Moehr on Wednesday, reluctantly illuminating the local...

Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall

WASHINGTON—The National Park Service officially reopened the Jefferson Starship Memorial to the public Thursday, following nearly four months of routine repairs to the neoclassical marble structure honoring the historic American rock group.

Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality

PHILADELPHIA—A report released Wednesday by economists at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed that the already massive gap between the world’s ultra-rich and reality is now at historic levels and only continues growing wider each year.

Josh Martin and Tanya Booker

Josh Martin and Tanya Booker were married on the Sunday before Labor Day in a beautiful ceremony that wasted their families’ and friends’ entire three-day weekend.

5 Seconds Of ‘Wild Wild West’

TNT 4:36 p.m. EDT/3:36 p.m. CDT 
Watch that scene where Will Smith and Kevin Kline get their neck magnets stuck together before you flip to something else.

John Kerry Costs U.S. Defense Industry $400 Billion

WASHINGTON—Responding to initial reports that Syria may relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons following Secretary of State John Kerry’s assertion that doing so would decrease the likelihood of American military strikes, representatives ...

Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas

CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man. The white, ultrathin man, who exhibited such features...

Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

In addition to unveiling the new flagship iPhone at a press event Wednesday, Apple CEO Tim Cook debuted a more affordable version of the device called the iPhone 5C, which is clad in a plastic casing and is available in a variety of colors.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 10, 2013

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical. Taurus Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be ...

Report: National Average Now 604

WASHINGTON—According to the annual report released Monday by the Center for Global Statistics, the United States National Average reached 604 Monday, climbing up from 600 in the previous year.

Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions

All Graduating Students Must Master Gamsin, Negtan, Cosvnx, 24 Others

WASHINGTON—Adding to the six basic functions that have for years made up the foundation of trigonometry, the nation’s mathematics teachers reportedly introduced 27 new functions today that high schoolers will be expected to master.

NFL Week One Winners And Losers

With the first Sunday of the NFL season in the books, Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from week one: Winners Bills: Buffalo proved they can go toe-to-toe with the NFL’s best for a full 57 minutes Turnovers: ...

The Mentalist

CBS 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT
 The show’s main character gets pretty annoyed when he finds out everyone’s been calling him The Mentalist behind his back.
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Luther Conover and Patricia Das

Luther Conover and Patricia Das had one of those really creepy weddings where they take the garter off all sexy.


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