Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

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Issue 4938

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games: Chiefs at Eagles OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy...

Weak Little Man Asks For Help

LINCOLN, NE—Apparently too weak and feckless to execute the task on his own, utterly pitiable little sales associate Nick Gardocki, 27, pathetically asked his coworkers for help on a project Friday afternoon, sources confirmed.

Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time. Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia...

Hell Now A Thriving Epicenter Of Gay Culture

THE MALEBOLGE, NETHER REGIONS OF DARKNESS—Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture. The Great Abyss, home of the damned, i...

Old Faithful Brutally Beaten To Death By Group Of Teens

TETON COUNTY, WY—Rangers at Yellowstone National Park confirmed the death of famed geyser Old Faithful this morning, hours after it was severely beaten by a gang of teenaged males who, according to investigators, “appeared to have simply been ...

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

APPLETON, WI—Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wedne...

Grandmother Shown Around Retirement Home Where She Will Die

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO—Walking hand-in-hand with her adult daughter as they passed through several carpeted corridors and brightly lit common rooms, 86-year-old Bonnie Tellinder listened politely Sunday as a staff member gave her a guided tour of Espl...

Desperate Nation Tries Getting On Board With Mass Shootings

WASHINGTON—In the wake of numerous public shooting sprees that have left nearly 90 dead and countless injured, desperate Americans across the country are, in a clear last-ditch effort, attempting to get on board with mass shootings, sources confirme...

Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School

REDDING, CA—Though now in the stage of her life when her body is at its most fertile, local teenager Katie Stevens is evidently choosing to squander her peak childbearing years by devoting herself to obtaining a high school education, sources confir...

Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church

In his first six months as pontiff, Pope Francis has made efforts to modernize the Catholic Church by embracing technology, saying that he would not judge homosexuals, and considering the removal of celibacy as a requirement of the priesthood.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 17, 2013

Aries The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space. Taurus You might be nervous and intimidated ...

New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’

The latest installment of the Grand Theft Auto video game series launches Tuesday. Here are a few of the new features gamers can look forward to: 15-hour opening cinematic scene Character now sometimes steps in gum Users can unlock one fre...

Location Of Newest Mass Shooting Revealed

It’s A Navy Yard, Authorities Confirm

WASHINGTON—After less than two months of waiting, the nation was informed this morning that the location of America’s latest mass shooting is a navy yard.

NFL Week Two Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the second week of the NFL season: Winners Archie Manning: Following another dominant Denver Broncos performance, the retired Pro Bowler has every reason to be proud of his son Gr...

250-Pound Man Sadly In Best Shape Of His Life

ORLANDO, FL—Stating that he has shed nearly 10 percent of his body weight this year and is now down to 250 pounds, local 36-year-old Michael Peters sadly revealed Monday that he is in the best shape of his life.
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Special Coverage



Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

DETROIT—Reports from Lions practice this week indicate a growing sense of concern over head coach Jim Schwartz’s decision to continue managing the team despite exhibiting a variety of concussion-like symptoms. “Between his inability to concentrate, confused demeanor, and extreme irritability, he shows all the signs of having suffered a traumatic brain injury,” said head trainer Dr. Rick Holloway, adding that Schwartz’s slurred speech and typically blank expression further suggest that at some point the coach was subjected to a violent blow to the head. “At times he seems to lack total situational awareness and often does not appear to understand what is being asked of him. Frankly, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him going out there and leading the team like that, but unfortunately there’s no rule in place that says I can stop him.” When asked to comment, Schwartz reportedly insisted he feels fine and is more than prepared to coach his team to a victory over the Arizona Cardinals.