Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

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Issue 4938

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games: Chiefs at Eagles OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy...

Weak Little Man Asks For Help

LINCOLN, NE—Apparently too weak and feckless to execute the task on his own, utterly pitiable little sales associate Nick Gardocki, 27, pathetically asked his coworkers for help on a project Friday afternoon, sources confirmed.

Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time. Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Preparedness

Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

DETROIT—Reports from Lions practice this week indicate a growing sense of concern over head coach Jim Schwartz’s decision to continue managing the team despite exhibiting a variety of concussion-like symptoms. “Between his inability to concentrate, confused demeanor, and extreme irritability, he shows all the signs of having suffered a traumatic brain injury,” said head trainer Dr. Rick Holloway, adding that Schwartz’s slurred speech and typically blank expression further suggest that at some point the coach was subjected to a violent blow to the head. “At times he seems to lack total situational awareness and often does not appear to understand what is being asked of him. Frankly, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him going out there and leading the team like that, but unfortunately there’s no rule in place that says I can stop him.” When asked to comment, Schwartz reportedly insisted he feels fine and is more than prepared to coach his team to a victory over the Arizona Cardinals.