The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 30, 2013

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Issue 4939

Jay Kogen

Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week four games: 49ers at Rams OSN’s Lock Of The Week: 49ers — The 49ers will rebound after a pair of tough losses in...

Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down

FORT COLLINS, CO—Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down. “We re...

Insecure Man Pretending To Be Someone He's Not

The world's insect leaders meet at the G20,000,000,000 Summit, a bullied 8th grader incorrectly thought classmates would leave him alone during a field trip to the 9/11 memorial, and a man experiencing his first real moment of peace in years is resuscita...

District Attorney Worked Way Up From Police Dog

WEST CHESTER, PA—Watching him pour over case files Monday morning from his office at Chester County Courthouse, you’d never know that Sam Morris, known affectionately as Sammy by his coworkers and former handlers, has only spent five weeks as ...

Jacob Elish

Jacob Elish watched a pornographic movie featuring an actress that vaguely resembled his wife.

Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing the numerous photos and status updates that the couple regularly post online, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Facebook version of Annie and Colin Wheeler’s eight-year marriage is going extremely well. Several of the Wh...

World’s Insect Leaders Attend G20,000,000,000 Summit

OTTAWA—A host of high-ranking insect leaders convened in Canada for the annual G20,000,000,000 summit Friday, addressing various challenges facing today’s insects and promoting stability among the global bug population. The two-day conference,...

Tamara Federici

Tamara Federici gave her friend a couple of extra back pats during their goodbye hug.

Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

BOSTON—Boston University freshman Zack Klein explained the ins and outs of his meal plan Monday, telling friends that he went with the “9-Plus Plan” because it makes the most sense based on his eating habits and class schedule, sources c...

Highlights Of Obama’s Speech To The United Nations

President Barack Obama spoke in front of the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday. Here are some prominent moments from the president’s address: Begins speech by saying, “It’d be one heck of a relief if the United States di...

Fantasized Argument Getting Pretty Intense

BELMONT, MA­­—Escalating over the course of 20 minutes from a restrained discussion with a coworker to a heated confrontation between multiple members of his management team, the fantasized argument currently taking place in the mind of Digi...

Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff

WASHINGTON—Noting the ceaseless onslaught of issues constantly nearing the eleventh hour, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they are sick and tired of all this looming stuff.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2013

Aries What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do. Taurus It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-ea...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 24, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Hands Of Salvation Dean Koontz (Bantam, $21.95) Weston McKay is blessed with an extraordinary power and curse: His right hand can cure any sick person through touch alone, but...

Dad Explains Obamacare

‘It’s Bullshit,’ Father Says

PITTSBURGH—After noticing a newspaper article about the implementation of the upcoming Affordable Care Act, local father Andrew Panetta, 53, made an effort Monday to explain the intricacies of Obamacare to his son, sources confirmed.

How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges

U.S. News & World Report published its influential annual list of the nation’s best colleges earlier this month, with Princeton University topping the 2014 rankings.
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Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.