Issue 4940

Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense

GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week five games: Bills at Browns OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Browns – Starting quarterback Brian Hoyer will injure his k...

Creepy Statistician Starts

EDISON, NJ—Touting his new website as the premiere online destination for visitors looking for hard-hitting analysis on the malleability and moisture of today’s NFL players, local man and incredibly creepy statistician Todd McIntosh unveiled s...


By Boar’s Head CEO Robert Martin

Mia Farrow: ‘It’s Possible My Son Was Fathered By Frank Sinatra, Mario Puzo, George McGovern, Robert Altman, Anthony Perkins, Milton Berle, Robert Redford, Michael Caine, Danny Aiello, Or Bruce Dern’

‘Or Maybe Francis Ford Coppola, John Cassavetes, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Quincy Jones, Sydney Pollack, Joe Mantegna, Liam Neeson, Tom Courtenay, Bob Balaban, Or Even William Hurt,’ Suggests Actress

NEW YORK—Following years of speculation regarding the paternity of her 25-year-old son Ronan Farrow, who was born in 1987 during her relationship with Woody Allen, actress Mia Farrow admitted in an interview with Vanity Fair this week that he...

OSN’s Tips For Turning Your NFL Season Around

Heading into week five, there are 10 NFL franchises with a 1-3 or worse record. Here are some surefire tips for teams to get their seasons back on track: Remember, it’s never too late to turn your season around, unless of course you’re...

Germ-Free Haven!

Tired of trying to stay clean all the time? Try this completely germ-free dwelling in the heart of the Arctic Circle, where no germs can survive!

Billion Dollar Listing

Bravo 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Turns out there are not any actual billion-dollar houses for sale yet. Probably should have checked that out before taping this show.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 1, 2013

Aries They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him. Taurus Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your matt...

U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown

WASHINGTON—With legislators unable to reach an agreement on health care and other issues before the start of the new budget year, Washington insiders confirmed Monday that the United States is rapidly approaching a full-scale government hoedown. Alr...

Breaking: Congressmen Walking Somewhere

Groups Of 2, Sometimes 3 Seen Heading Down Hallways

WASHINGTON—Sources from inside the U.S. Capitol are reporting that random groups of congressmen are currently walking through hallways, corridors, and foyers toward some location, often in groups of two, three, or four.

NFL Week Four Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fourth week of the NFL season: Winners Von Miller: The Broncos linebacker enjoyed another relaxing week Peyton Manning: After yet another dominant performance in the Bronco...

Dance Now!

CW 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Contestants dance as celebrity judges discharge pistols at their feet.
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