October 19

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Issue 4941

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Six Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week six games: Giants at Bears OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Bears – Eli Manning will throw three picks and Jay Cutler wil...

Intern Strikes Up Friendship With Least-Respected Employee

DENVER—After starting at the company just three weeks ago, 22-year-old Wenger Marketing intern Allison Bennett told reporters Thursday that she has already befriended 36-year-old digital content coordinator Mike Fryer, the least-respected employee i...

Most Offensive Team Names

With the Washington Redskins coming under fire for having a disrespectful name, Onion Sports examines some of the most insulting monikers of sports teams.

October 17

 This week’s city council meeting will conclude with a lengthy statement from an elderly woman who doesn’t know the issues but enjoys a little bit of human interaction.

October 16-18

 The public water supply will be shut down for the rest of the week in preparation for the Fifth Annual WaterFest this weekend.

Tips For Decorating Your Home For Halloween

Taping an inexpensive skeleton or pumpkin cutout to your door is the perfect way to let neighbors know you don’t have your life together. It’s actually really easy to make cobwebs by dying your hair white and ripping it out. Have you consider...

History Of The Walt Disney Company

This month marks the 90th anniversary of The Walt Disney Company. Here are some of the most notable moments in the media conglomerate’s history: 1928: Steamboat Willie marks the first appearance of Disney’s iconic character Will...

Dick Vitale Enthusiastic About Latest Al-Qaeda Plot

BRISTOL, CT—On the set of SportsCenter Sunday to talk about the upcoming college basketball season, analyst Dick Vitale expressed his extreme enthusiasm for college hoops, the autumn weather, and most shockingly, the latest al-Qaeda terrorist plots.

Your Horoscopes — Week of October 8, 2013

Aries Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old. Taurus You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet. Gemini...

Dad Actually Yelled At That Guy

LORAIN, OH—Multiple family members recently confirmed that while waiting in line to buy tickets at a movie theater last night, local dad Jim Massey actually yelled at some guy.

How The Government Shutdown Could End

As the government shutdown nears a full week, neither house of Congress appears ready to budge. Here are some ways the standoff could be resolved: American public takes to streets and overthrows existing government following two unbearable weeks w...

NFL Week Five Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fifth week of the NFL season: Winners Denver Broncos: While unofficial polls suggest they beat the Cowboys, officials are still waiting for the last few points to trickle in befor...
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