Schrödinger’s House

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Issue 4942

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...

Greatest Sports Rivalries

Approaching a weekend schedule full of heated rivals facing off on the gridiron, Onion Sports breaks down the most storied rivalries in the athletic world

Boehner Hoping To Remain Leader Of Republican Parties

WASHINGTON—After a 16-day-long government shutdown and a nearly averted financial crisis that left them with their lowest poll numbers in recent memory, Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters Thursday that he hopes to remain the leader of ...

Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue

WASHINGTON—Disoriented and “freezing his goddamn nuts off,” a naked Vice President Joe Biden reportedly awoke Thursday morning on an autopsy table in the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner, White House sources confirmed. “Huh?...

Just What You Should Want

Beautiful house in an upscale neighborhood with four bedrooms, modern kitchen, walk-in closets, and absolutely no bathrooms where vile, disgusting acts could be performed.

Bruce Willis Seriously Considering Doing More Films

‘I’ve Been In Many Movies, But I’m Willing To Appear In More,’ Says Willis

LOS ANGELES—Saying he hadn’t ruled anything out with regards to his next career move, 58-year-old actor Bruce Willis announced this week that he was strongly considering the possibility of starring in more feature films. Willis, whose long lis...

Man Points Out Town Where He Threw Up

YPSILANTI, MI—Stressing that the place has changed a lot since he was throwing up, local cashier Dwayne Rosten excitedly showed his friends the area where he threw up while driving past the neighborhood Saturday afternoon.

Sports Fan Has Opinion

INDIANAPOLIS—A local sports fan has an opinion about sports, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to individuals close to the situation, area man Justin Donnelly, a self-described sports “diehard,” is currently airing his thoughts on a...

Your Horoscopes — Week of October 15th

  • Aries They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
  • Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Gemini While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Cancer Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they discover a cure for goddamn stupidity.
  • Leo The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Virgo Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid becoming a statistic by getting shot repeatedly at work.
  • Libra Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Scorpio Wild peals of laughter will burst forth this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Sagittarius Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
  • Capricorn Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Aquarius A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Pisces When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week of October 14

  This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: The Bible But Without Letters To The Corinthians (ESV Bibles, $12.99) All the goodness of the Holy Book without the wordy, blowhard letters to those good-for-nothing Corinthians. Dr. Sleep Stephen King (Scribner, $22.99) Now grown up, Danny, the boy with psycho-intuitive powers in <i>The Shining</i>, helps another child with a spectacular gift: a 2013 Jeep Grand Cherokee. The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge The Onion (Little, Brown, $20.00) The most essential and authoritative  book  ever written in the history  of  human civilization, this august encyclopedia— now available in paperback—features thousands of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet and contains more than 500 tons of information. Must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance. Miles Of Smiles Dental Employee Handbook  (Miles Of Smiles Dental) Shorts, tank tops, and open-toe shoes are not permitted. Lincoln's Hospital Stay Frank Hopp (Hachette, $17.00) We all know Lincoln died in a house, but Frank Hopp wonders what would happen if he died in a hospital?

NFL Week Six Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the sixth week of the NFL season: Winners Brandon Weeden: Inaugurated Cleveland’s second Brandon Weeden era in style Houston Texans: Houston rebounded from last week...

Internet Rocked By Blogger With Sarcastic Sensibility

NEW YORK—Hailed by members of the online community as “a groundbreaking and radical new voice,” blogger Charles Edo has taken the internet by storm in recent weeks with a series of posts in which he conveys his opinions using the rhetori...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Schrödinger’s House

Has radioactive decay tripped the mechanism that sends the hammer swinging, smashing the vial of poison and killing the cat that resides inside, or does the cat still live? Buy this house and find out!