Issue 4943

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The Walking Dead

AMC 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT In the eagerly anticipated conclusion to last season’s heart-stopping cliffhanger, an obscured shape staggering toward the characters in the midst of an orchestral swell turns out to be a zombie.

Vegetarian Option Just Iceberg Lettuce On Bread

Obama announces the start of the annual D.C. Spooktacular, a weird man begins every morning by dousing his naked body in water, and a 5-year-old reluctantly lets his crying mother sleep in his bed again.

You Can’t Judge A Book By Its Cover

NBC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Stephen Cover is a retired federal judge trying to juggle his nascent literary career with his hectic family life in the sleepy town of You-Can’t, Idaho.

CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

Scientists Teach Sign Language To Gorilla-Suit-Wearing Man

HILLSBORO, OR—In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough by the scientific community, a team of researchers announced Monday that they had successfully taught American Sign Language to a 43-year-old gorilla-suit-wearing man. Scientists at the O...

Alumni Magazine Tiptoeing Around Campus Shooting

CONROE, TX—Campus sources confirmed the Yateson College alumni magazine The Yateson Voice released its November issue on Tuesday, delicately sidestepping any overt mention of the late August shooting rampage that left six students dead and 23...

Martha and Lawrence Krebsbach

Having spent nearly every moment of their 61-year marriage together, Martha and Lawrence Krebsbach, both 83, died within minutes of each other, because that’s what usually happens when you flip a Camaro.

Cardinals vs. Red Sox

The St. Louis Cardinals and the Boston Red Sox face off in the World Series, vying for the 22nd most important title in professional sports.

ESPN Has Been Talking About Beards For 80 Straight Hours

BRISTOL, CT—As part of their 2013 World Series preview, ESPN, the world’s largest sports broadcast network, has been airing content about Red Sox players’ beards, their beard lengths, and the itchiness of their unkempt beards for 80 hour...

Ronald Crandall

Ronald Crandall, 44, passed away last weekend while practicing his beloved hobby of amateur high-voltage transmission wire repair.

Teen Wolfe

MTV 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT The origins of Tom Wolfe are explored in this new series.

Dead Grandfather Still Talking About Ebbets Field

FLUSHING, NY—A full eight years following his fatal heart attack, deceased grandfather Martin Whitley continues to talk about Ebbets Field and his experiences at the demolished New York ballpark, individuals close to the dead man confirmed Tuesday.

GOP Announces Plan To Go After Obamacare

WASHINGTON—In a strategic announcement that has reportedly left Beltway observers both shocked and stunned, Republican lawmakers revealed Monday that they were planning to go after Obamacare.

Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image

In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 22, 2013

Aries Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing sixty-three employees. Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps c...

Anne Hathaway Tormented By 14-Year-Old Bully

LOS ANGELES—Calling the teen’s behavior “ruthless” and “out of control,” Oscar-winning actress Anne Hathaway confirmed to reporters today that for the past few months she has been routinely and viciously bullied both in...

New, Improved Obamacare Program Released On 35 Floppy Disks

WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism regarding its health care website, the federal government today unveiled its new, improved Obamacare program, which allows Americans to purchase health insurance after installing a software bundle contai...

NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the seventh week of the NFL season: Winners New York Jets: Lived up to expectations that officials would just hand them another bullshit victory Minnesota Vikings/New York Giants...

Tim Duncan Urges Teammates To Be Patient With Frequent-Flyer Miles

‘It’s Best To Build Them Up For One Big Trip,’ All-Star Says

SAN ANTONIO—Conversing with teammates during practice Friday, Spurs center Tim Duncan urged San Antonio’s players to be smarter with their frequent-flyer miles by accumulating the reward points for one big trip rather than squandering them lit...

Cincinnati At Pittsburgh

Fox 1 p.m. EDT/12 p.m. CDT In this high-profile matchup, the 296,000 residents of Cincinnati go toe-to-toe with the 308,000 residents of Pittsburgh for regional bragging rights.

Obama Announces Start Of Annual D.C. Spooktacular

WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation from a candlelit and cobweb-strewn Oval Office, President Barack Obama, wearing a black cape and plastic fangs, emerged from a cloud of dry ice Tuesday night to announce the official opening of Washington, D.C....
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Vegetarian Option Just Iceberg Lettuce On Bread

Obama announces the start of the annual D.C. Spooktacular, a weird man begins every morning by dousing his naked body in water, and a 5-year-old reluctantly lets his crying mother sleep in his bed again.

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