The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 4, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4944

NBC Cancels ‘Piven’ After 5 Seasons

LOS ANGELES—Citing flagging ratings and a desire to retool its Thursday night comedy lineup, NBC announced today that Piven, the half-hour sitcom starring Jeremy Piven as a hotheaded actor on the verge of breaking into the A-list, would not b...

Boss Came To Work Today Dressed As Guy Who Fires Sean

TRENTON, NJ—Praising his Halloween costume as “extremely realistic,” employees at local software firm Sterling Data Analytics confirmed Thursday that boss Donald Barlow has come into the office dressed as a guy who’s firing Sean.

Jen Piasek and Scott Gahagen

Jen Piasek and Scott Gahagen claimed they were married in their backyard Saturday so they could have the beautiful autumnal scenery in all of their pictures but it’s really because they’re poor.

College Unveils New Media Center Every Month

WASHINGTON—Having described each of the state-of-the-art facilities as crucial to serving the evolving needs of the college’s student body, campus sources confirmed Wednesday that George Washington University has unveiled a new media center ev...

Suburban Mom Wows Family With Most Androgynous Look Yet

BURKE, VA—Speechless for several seconds after she descended the stairs for breakfast Sunday, the family of local mother Jolene DiPietro were reportedly “floored” by the 49-year-old’s latest look, a gender-neutral mix of loose-fitt...

Justin Timberlake Tells Jessica Biel No One Will Believe Her

LOS ANGELES—Explaining the exact nature of the situation to his wife, pop superstar Justin Timberlake reportedly told Jessica Biel on Wednesday that even if she were to make the mistake of telling somebody what happened, not a goddamn soul would bel...

NFL To Add Second Team In Jacksonville

NEW YORK—Citing the overwhelming success of the Jacksonville Jaguars, NFL officials unveiled plans Tuesday to add a second franchise in Jacksonville by the 2017 season.

63-14 Loss Disgraces Penn State Football Program

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Following a humiliating 63-14 defeat against Ohio State over the weekend, officials at Pennsylvania State University on Tuesday called the blowout loss a blemish on the school’s storied football program, and the college...

Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months

PROVIDENCE, RI—Immediately after sitting down on the living room couch and covering herself in a large cotton blanket, area girlfriend Amanda Bettman, 28, announced her intentions Monday to remain in this state for the next five calendar months.

Blake Griffin Caught Plagiarizing Dunks

LOS ANGELES—The professional basketball world was left reeling as reports surfaced Tuesday that Los Angeles Clippers power forward Blake Griffin has been caught plagiarizing several of his slam dunks.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013

Aries It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them. Taurus After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex ...

Dad’s Been On A Parenting Kick Lately

AUSTIN, TX—In the most recent of a long string of hobbies and obsessions to completely absorb the local father’s attention, friends and family reported Monday that Jacob Rossbach, 35, has been on a serious parenting jag lately.

NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the eighth week of the NFL season: Winners Eli Manning: With zero TDs and a middling QB rating, the Giants signal caller had his best game of the season Cincinnati Bengals: A 4...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.