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Issue 4945

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games: Redskins at Vikings OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Redskins – If the Redskins were to lose this game 34-27, i...

Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing

BRISTOL, CT—Refuting numerous claims recently asserted in the world of football analysis, sources confirmed Friday that the so-called mobile quarterback era—a trend in the NFL in which the league supposedly is being dominated by aggressive, ru...

Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals

ASHBURN, VA—Local 15-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year.

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Report: Nation Secretly Hoping Dads Die First

EAST GREENBUSH, NY—While emphasizing that they hate even talking about this type of thing, the nation revealed today that, if they’re being honest, they are secretly hoping their dads die first.

Highlights Of Sports Victory Parades

1908: Chicago Cubs parade is notable for its low fan turnout, the team having already won a World Series title the year before 1946: Following a narrow defeat of the Axis, 13,000 starters for the 82nd Airborne Division proceed down Fifth Avenue in Manhatt...

Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating

SALEM, OR—In a humiliating incident that all parties involved said they would “never get over,” Peter Miklewski, 15, confirmed he came home from school early Monday and accidentally walked in on seven members of his family masturbating i...

Who Is Chris Christie?

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie decisively won reelection last night in a victory many pundits see as a significant step toward a 2016 presidential bid.

DHS Warns U.S. In Danger Of Another Eagles Reunion Album

WASHINGTON—Issuing a nationwide high alert and urging all Americans to “be prepared for the worst,” Department of Homeland Security acting Secretary Rand Beers announced today the “serious and imminent threat” of a possible n...

Gatorade Releases New Performance Suppository

CHICAGO—Gatorade officials unveiled Tuesday the newest product in its G Series line of drinks and supplements, G Push, a performance-enhancing suppository engineered in the company’s sports laboratory to hydrate and energize athletes for a ful...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 5, 2013

Aries Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping. Taurus You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, a...

NFL Week Nine Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the ninth week of the NFL season: Winners Nick Foles: Showed what he is capable of doing when playing the Raiders Tony Romo: The Cowboys’ signal caller ended Sunday...

Republican Alternatives To Obamacare

As the White House struggles with the rollout of Obamacare’s online health insurance marketplace, pressure has mounted within the Republican Party to begin offering conservative alternatives that address the nation’s health care crisis.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Nine Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week nine games: Bengals at Dolphins OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Bengals – Expect a tough and gritty matchup to eventuall...
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