The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 18, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4946

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.

How The President Plans To Fix Obamacare

Responding to his administration’s ongoing struggles with the launch of Obamacare, President Barack Obama announced a proposal today that would enable insurance companies to grant one-year extensions to the health plans of Americans who would oth...

Scientists Theorize Sun Could Support Fire-Based Life

WASHINGTON—In an announcement that could forever change the way scientists study the hydrogen-based star, NASA researchers published a comprehensive study today theorizing that the sun may be capable of supporting fire-based lifeforms.

2013 Heisman Trophy Favorites

With the race for the Heisman Trophy heating up, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to college football’s most outstanding candidates. Jameis Winston (QB, Florida State): Winston has the inside track to the trophy, but Johnny Manzi...

Console Wars Heat Up As Zenith Unveils Gamespace Pro

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—With next-generation video game systems such as the Xbox One and the Playstation 4 hitting stores later this month, the console wars got even hotter today as electronics manufacturer Zenith announced the release of its own console, ...

Cowardly Refugee Running Away From Problems

BERAHLE, ETHIOPIA—Six months after deciding his life was just too hard and fleeing over the border to Ethiopia, cowardly Eritrean man Ismael Semed continues to hide from his problems at the Berahle refugee camp, sources confirmed this week. Accordin...

Breaking: Intruders Detected In Zone 17

THE TIBERIUS COMPLEX—According to hazard agents stationed in Level 8 of the Pyroid Reactor, a group of unidentified intruders have been detected in Zone 17, and are at this very moment proceeding with great haste toward the first inner layer of the ...

Obama Has That Sex Dream About Nation Again

WASHINGTON—After awaking from a restless sleep in the Presidential Bedroom, a disoriented and lightly perspiring President Barack Obama informed reporters early Tuesday morning that he had just had that weird sex dream about the entire nation again....

Black Friday Deals

Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m.

Man Smoking E-Cigarette Must Be Futuristic Bounty Hunter

ATLANTA—Several eyewitnesses confirmed Tuesday that a man seen smoking a high-tech e-cigarette device must, in all likelihood, be some sort of futuristic bounty hunter in the midst of a covert time-stream-altering mission of critical importance. Sou...

Report: Some People Live In Pennsylvania

ALBANY, NY—According to the results of a comprehensive, year-long study published Tuesday, researchers have confirmed that there are some people who live in Pennsylvania.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 12, 2013

Aries It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues. Taurus You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly af...

‘NCIS’ To Cease Print Edition

NEW YORK—Longtime readers are already mourning the end of an era as CBS announced today that at the end of this month it would cease print operations of the popular drama NCIS after several years of diminishing ad revenue and subscription rates.

NFL Week 10 Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 10th week of the NFL season: Winners Jacksonville Jaguars: With their first win in the bag, Jacksonville is only seven games out from the end of the season. Seneca Wallace:...

How Climate Change Will Affect You

According to a United Nations climate report released last week, the world must cut its carbon emissions drastically by 2020 or face an increase in global temperature of 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit or more by the end of the century.

Report: Running To Factor Greatly In This Week’s Sports

LUBBOCK, TX—According to a report published Friday by the Texas Tech School of Health, Exercise, and Sports Science, every variation of running, from light jogs to full-out sprints, will factor heavily into the execution and outcomes of this week...
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.