The Onion's Comprehensive Guide To Thanksgiving

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Issue 4947

FCC May Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights

The Federal Communications Commission is considering lifting the ban on cell phone calls on flights when the plane is above 10,000 feet, though calls would still be disallowed during takeoff and landing.

Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son PlayStation 1

KENOSHA, WI—Having refused to purchase the video game console since its introduction in 1994, local parents John and Melissa Gionda confirmed Thursday that they had finally caved in and bought a Sony PlayStation 1 for their 33-year-old son, Daniel.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Holiday

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

The Onion's Comprehensive Guide To Thanksgiving

The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving
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Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time
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Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner
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Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport
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Top Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes
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Why Are We Hosting Thanksgiving?
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Thanksgiving Football Highlights
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Americans Enjoying Thanksgiving Tradition Of Sitting Around At Airport
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Obama Outlines Moral, Philosophical Justifications For Turkey Pardon
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20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America
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FDA Approves Seconds
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Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count
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26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving
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Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free
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Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together
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Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
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95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family
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Nation's Uncles Enter Last Stage Of Prep For Thursday's Thanksgiving Debates
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Who Are We Inviting To Thanksgiving?
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Cowboys' Presumed Thanksgiving Win To Cause Nation To Vomit Up Dinners
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New Balloons In This Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
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Domino's Introduces Thanksgiving Feast Pizza
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In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume
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BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All
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Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo
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Turkey Pardon Mishap Results In Accidental Release Of Serial Rapist
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Siblings Gather Around PowerPoint To Hash Out Off-Limits Topics For Thanksgiving
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Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey
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White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel
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Black Friday Deals
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11 Steps For Cooking A PERFECT Thanksgiving Turkey
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The Clemency Of Cranberry
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Winter Storm Threatens Homeless Man’s Plans To Survive Over Thanksgiving
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Thanksgiving By The Numbers
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FAA Issues Holiday Reminder That Planes Can Crash And Kill You
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What's Our Family's Thanksgiving Tradition?
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Unclear Whether Grandpa Having Good Time
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The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays
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Pope Francis Canonizes Single Turkey In Annual Vatican Tradition
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Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table
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