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Issue 4947

Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son PlayStation 1

KENOSHA, WI—Having refused to purchase the video game console since its introduction in 1994, local parents John and Melissa Gionda confirmed Thursday that they had finally caved in and bought a Sony PlayStation 1 for their 33-year-old son, Daniel.

Man Was Himself For 27 Minutes Today

ST. LOUIS—Temporarily ceasing all his regular affectations and posturing, local man Jeremy Claremont was his actual, genuine self for nearly half an hour today, sources have confirmed.

Kindergarten Class Burning Through 6 Hamsters A Year

LIGONIER, PA—Attributing the high levels of attrition to a combination of handling errors and poor oversight, Holy Trinity School kindergarten teacher Alyssa D’Orazio told reporters today that her class is currently burning through hamsters at...

Bears Giving Jay Cutler A Few Years To Properly Heal

CHICAGO—Claiming they don’t want to rush the veteran play caller, Bears coach Marc Trestman announced Thursday that the team is giving quarterback Jay Cutler three to four years to properly heal from a lingering ankle injury.

Attractive Woman Surprised To Learn Coworker A Dick

LAWRENCEVILLE, PA—Noting with some degree of confusion that “he’s always really sweet to [her],” attractive Kolfax Group sales associate Leslie Shiller admitted Thursday she was surprised to learn account manager Eric Cryan is wide...

Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West

WASHINGTON—In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West. Speaking in front of a nondescript alt...

Terrified Obama Trapped Inside Website

WASHINGTON—According to an urgent report issued today by the White House, a terrified and frantic President Obama is currently trapped inside the website. Early reports indicate the president inadvertently became physically enmeshed i...

‘Luck’ Producers Still Killing A Lot Of Horses

LOS ANGELES—Nearly two years after the HBO drama’s early cancellation due to animal rights concerns, the producers of Luck confirmed yesterday that they continue to cripple and euthanize horses on a regular basis.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 19, 2013

Aries You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain. Taurus After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, peopl...

Cancer Researchers: ‘Don’t Get Cancer’

PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “not good,” and saying that not having the illness is highly preferable to having it, oncologists representing the American Association for Cancer Research urged the U.S.

NFL Week 11 Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 11th week of the NFL season: Winners Denver Broncos: Improved to 9-1 after beating some shitty team Matt Ryan: Has a job Jacksonville Jaguars: Just six games left ...

How Facebook Is Trying To Retain Users

Facebook executives recently admitted that younger teenagers are abandoning the site for newer mobile messaging and social sharing apps, while a study from earlier this year found that the social network lost 11 million active users overall in the U.S.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 11 games: Colts at Titans OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Titans – Jumping out to an early 14-0 lead and holding onto it...
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Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: