The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 2, 2013

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Issue 4948

Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have co...

School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, ...

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...

Nation Has To Sell Lake House

MADISON, ME—Admitting that the cherished property had recently become a burden, the nation’s 317 million citizens announced Thursday that as much as they loved the old place, it was time for them to sell the lake house. The beloved two-story h...

NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 12th week of the NFL season: Winners Wes Welker: With a costly drop and a mismanaged punt return in overtime, Welker proved he is still a force for the Patriots Tampa Bay Bucca...

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 12 games: Saints at Falcons OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Saints – Drew Brees will throw for 19 touchdowns in a 17-13 ...

U.S. Continues Dependence On Foreign Toil

The White House announces Sasha Obama will now be played by Britney Watkins, a Buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on the West, and an open floor plan increases an office shooter’s productivity by 95 percent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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