The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4949

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win. 

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games: Texans at Jaguars OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner...

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident

A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS.

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking ...

Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed

JOHANNESBURG—Following the death of former South African president and civil rights leader Nelson Mandela today at the age of 95, sources confirmed that the revered humanitarian has become the first politician in recorded history to actually be miss...

Pathetic Hands Subject To Man’s Every Whim

FREDERICK, MD—Calling them spineless and utterly devoid of dignity, witnesses described Wednesday how the pathetic hands of local man David Bromley allow themselves to be subjected to his every whim.

Jason Campbell Cleared For Light Brain Activity

CLEVELAND—Following the quarterback’s recent concussion against the Steelers, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski told reporters Tuesday that Jason Campbell has been cleared by team doctors to resume light brain activity.

Red Lobster Welcomes Back ‘Defrosted Shrimp Days’

ORLANDO, FL—Casual dining restaurant chain Red Lobster announced the start of its annual “Defrosted Shrimp Days” on Monday, welcoming back the popular seasonal promotion that features all-you-can-eat freshly thawed prawns for only $9.99.

Deformed Freak Born Without Penis

NORFOLK, VA—In an alarming case that has baffled and repulsed many, sources confirmed Tuesday that a severely deformed freak born without a penis has managed to live with the condition for over 26 years. 

Report: Fritz A Fine Name For A Boy

VIENNA—Citing its strong character and imperial heritage, a report from the local gentry confirmed Tuesday that when considering a name for one’s son, one could do little better than Fritz, for it is truly a fine, fine name for a boy.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

Aries The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period. Taurus The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should ...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 26, 2013

Aries Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country. Taurus Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators wi...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.