The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4949

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win. 

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games: Texans at Jaguars OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner...

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident

A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS.

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking ...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.