The Week In Sports – Week Of January 12, 2013

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Issue 5001

Worst Sports Teams

Onion Sports examines the most awful teams throughout the history of athletic competition. 

Tips For Getting Over The Flu

Flu season is in full swing with at least 25 states reporting widespread cases of the illness. Here are The Onion’s tips for beating the flu

Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit

EAST GARDEN CITY, NY—Speculating that he probably believes he looks all cool in his hip little outfit, patrons at the Roosevelt Field Shopping Mall told reporters Saturday that the mannequin in the window of Urban Outfitters must think he’s so...

Shy Man Narrowly Evades Free Sample

BATON ROUGE, LA—Turning his gaze downward just in time to avoid eye contact, shy local man Carl Huskins narrowly avoided a gregarious product representative offering toothpicked morsels of teriyaki chicken at an area Rouses supermarket, sources conf...

Taxpayer Outraged

PETERSBURG, VA—Claiming that this is unacceptable and he just won’t stand for it, a local taxpayer expressed outrage Tuesday, sources confirmed.

Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion

PURCHASE, NY—Area girlfriend Caroline Nagler remains in stable condition at White Plains Hospital today, resting in a medically induced coma after suffering an apparent overdose of scented lotion, sources confirm. 

Congress’ Agenda For 2014

The 113th United States Congress returns to Capitol Hill this week. Here are some of the key issues that will define their upcoming session

Big, Sloppy Chicken Parm Hovers Alluringly Above Nation

WASHINGTON—Eliciting reactions of wonder and awe in millions of Americans since appearing on the nation’s skyline this week, a giant, sloppy chicken parmesan sandwich continues to hover enticingly above the continental United States with no si...

Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter

Millions of people are looking for ways to keep warm as temperatures plunge across the nation. Here are The Onion’s tips for staying comfortable during the coldest days of winter: Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest o...

Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season

NEW YORK—Calling his sustained mediocrity “simply unacceptable,” the NFL’s owners reportedly elected Friday to fire Roger Goodell following his eighth consecutive .500 season as league commissioner.

Dad’s Tough Exterior Hides Angry, Resentful Center

SAGINAW, MI—Sources close to local father Wayne Abrams confirmed Thursday that, while his tough exterior might initially fool casual observers, the 45-year-old’s gruff demeanor actually conceals a deeply angry and resentful center.

New Antidepressant Makes Friends’ Problems Seem Worse

INDIANAPOLIS—Offering a promising new treatment for those suffering from depression, pharmaceutical manufacturer Eli Lilly introduced a new antidepressant Wednesday that causes patients to perceive their friends’ problems as far worse than the...
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