President Curbing NSA Spying

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Issue 5002

The Onion’s Oscar Picks

Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory.

God Admits He Rarely Forgives

THE HEAVENS—Calling into question centuries of religious dogma and commonly held beliefs, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Tuesday that in actuality it is “extremely rare” for Him to ever forgive an i...

Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’ On A Doobie Wave

BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources confirmed, currently groovin’ on a doobie wave, feeling the vibes, and tripping out on a psychedelic reefer wave.

Netflix Instant Thinking About Adding Good Movie

LOS GATOS, CA—In a swift and unexpected departure from their present business model, officials from Netflix revealed Wednesday that the company is currently considering adding a good movie to their online streaming service.

Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress

WASHINGTON—Following years of continued fighting and disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress. Admitting that diploma...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 14, 2013

Aries A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King. Taurus Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a st...

Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something

SAN FRANCISCO—Midway through American Airlines flight 1544’s journey from San Francisco to Dallas Monday, pilot Mark Dams asked passengers to please remain seated and fasten their seat belts for a minute while he tries something real quick.

OfficeMax Employee Was Here When Gel Pens Were Big

IRVINE, CA—Veteran OfficeMax employee Drew Hillenberg regaled younger staff members on Friday, sharing his stories from a bygone era when gel pens were among the hottest sellers at the big-box business supply store.

Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair

CLEVELAND—Saying that he has lately grown even more distant and secretive than usual, local woman Joyce Reynolds, 46, confided to reporters Monday that she has started to suspect her husband may be carrying on a second extramarital affair.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

President Curbing NSA Spying

In an effort to address citizens’ privacy and civil liberty concerns, President Obama announced today that intelligence agencies would now be required to obtain a court’s permission to access metadata from telephones. What do you think?