The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 27, 2014

Top Headlines

Issue 5003

Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in...

Lunchbox Mostly Medication

Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication.

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.

Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans

SAN FRANCISCO—During his stay at the San Francisco Hilton Thursday, 34-year-old Peter Adler momentarily forgot that the maids, doormen, and other staff of the hotel were not actually human beings, sources reported.

Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat

WASHINGTON—Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to “burn their gumlines,” millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat, an essential staple of t...

More Hollywood Celebrities Reproducing By Asexual Budding

LOS ANGELES—With more and more celebrities sprouting exact genetic copies of themselves through a process of cellular division, the hot new trend of asexual budding has rapidly become the most popular method of reproduction in baby-crazed Tinseltown...

How To Protect Your Personal Information Online

Following the recent data breach at retail giant Target, which exposed credit card numbers and personal information of as many as 110 million people, many Americans have grown concerned about their safety and privacy online.

Inclement Weather Prevents Liar From Getting To Work

PROVIDENCE, RI—In spite of his best efforts to brave the ongoing winter storm and freezing temperatures, the inclement weather currently affecting the Northeast has left Providence-area liar Tim Carlson unable to commute to his office, the habitual ...

‘12 Years A Slave,’ ‘Captain Phillips,’ ‘American Hustle,’ ‘Wolf Of Wall Street,’ ‘Blue Jasmine,’ ‘Dallas Buyers Club,’ ‘Her,’ ‘Nebraska,’ ‘Before Midnight,’ And ‘Philomena’ All Written During Same Continuing Education Screenwriting Class

LOS ANGELES—Days after they were announced as the 10 nominees for Best Original Screenplay and Best Adapted Screenplay at the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony, sources revealed Tuesday that the films 12 Years A Slave, Captain Phillips,...

Fussy Eater 38

OMAHA, NE—According to sources, local fussy eater Bryan Wilcox, who is known for refusing to eat any type of food he hasn’t tried before or that falls outside of his narrow zone of comfort, is 38 years old.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 21, 2014

Aries Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him. Taurus You'll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, fer...

49ers vs. Seahawks

The 49ers battle the Seahawks in a game that will ultimately decide once and for all whether Colin Kaepernick or Russell Wilson is the better quarterback.

Broncos vs. Patriots

The Patriots take on the Broncos in what could be the very last time Tom Brady and Peyton Manning meet in the 2014 playoffs, barring a major disruption in the space-time continuum.

Japan Grants Suffrage To Female Robots

TOKYO—Ending a decades-long struggle for gender equality at the ballot box, Prime Minister Shinzō Abe of Japan signed a new measure into law on Thursday extending the right to vote to female robots. The landmark legislation, hailed as a victory by J...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: