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Issue 5004

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Seahawks vs. Broncos

The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.

Report: Today The Day They Find Out You’re A Fraud

WASHINGTON—While experts agree you’ve been remarkably successful so far at keeping up the ruse that you’re a capable, worthwhile individual, a new report out this week indicates that today is the day they finally figure out you’re ...

Earl Thomas

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Richard Sherman

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Marshawn Lynch

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Russell Wilson

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Pete Carroll

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Terrance Knighton

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Champ Bailey

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Wes Welker

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Peyton Manning

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

John Fox

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Teacher Surprised The 2 Weird Kids Haven’t Hit It Off Yet

DAYTON, OH—Stating that the young pair of freaks seem like they would be perfect for each other, Jerger Elementary School third-grade teacher Karen Neel told reporters Thursday she was pretty surprised the two weird kids in her class hadn’t hi...

Area Woman Said ‘Sorry’ 118 Times Yesterday

ROCHESTER, MN—Having repeatedly apologized for incidents such as accidentally brushing up against other people on the train, stepping aside in an elevator, and reaching for the same coffee mug as a colleague at work, local 24-year-old Katie Simpson ...

Dad Delivers State Of The Union Rebuttal Directly Into Television Screen

PHILADELPHIA—Reiterating numerous themes from last year’s rebuttal while offering several searing critiques of tonight’s speech, area dad Bill Shaw delivered his official response to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address tonight directly into the television screen, household sources reported.

Obama Admits U.S. Hasn’t Been The Same Since Buddy Holly Died

WASHINGTON—Saying that the time was right to come to terms with a difficult and enduring chapter in America’s history, President Obama admitted during his State of the Union address Tuesday night that the United States “just hasn’t been the same” since the death of music legend Buddy Holly.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 28, 2013

Aries Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope deep within you which will soon be gone too. Taurus You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but when it...

Last Hoosier Dies In Captivity

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Americans across the country mourned Saturday after the world’s last remaining Hoosier, Austin, died in captivity inside the Indiana University research center and preserve, where it lived out the final years of its life.
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Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies

In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie. What do you think?

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