The Week In Sports – Week Of February 8, 2014

Top Headlines

Issue 5005

Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator

Fifty-seven women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child’s ventilator.

Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person

PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you.

International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.

American Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting U.S.

New Blog Piece On Woody Allen To Settle Everything

NEW YORK—Amidst the ongoing debate over the iconic director’s alleged sexual abuse in 1992 of his then 7-year-old adopted daughter, numerous sources nationwide confirmed Thursday that a newly published blog post titled “What You Really Need To Know About The Woody Allen Scandal” will finally and categorically settle the matter in its entirety.

Report: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Despite local 22-year-old Sam Tillard’s best efforts to keep things quiet when he was invited home by girlfriend Jenny Nesbitt late last night, a report out this morning has confirmed her parents not only woke up but could he...

10 Years Of Facebook

Facebook, which is now valued at $130 billion and boasts 1.2 billion monthly users, was launched 10 years ago Tuesday by Mark Zuckerberg in a Harvard dorm room.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 4, 2014

Aries Your belief that all life's problems can be solved with a heart-to-heart talk and a good night's sleep will be severely tested this week when you're introduced to mathematics. Taurus This is a good week to start ne...

Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Packing away the turf, goalposts, and scoreboards into colorful wooden wagons, Super Bowl roustabouts dismantled MetLife Stadium Monday and left town in a convoy of 40 horse-drawn vehicles. “There was great commotion when w...

57 Women Stoned To Death During Annual Riyadh Fashion Week

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—With local organizers and attendees hailing the event as a “major success,” the Saudi Arabian capital Riyadh wrapped up its 10th annual fashion week Friday, a star-studded international showcase of the latest trends ...
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