The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 17, 2014

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Issue 5006

Greatest Barrier Breakers In Sports

With Missouri defensive end Michael Sam becoming the first openly gay NFL prospect this week, Onion Sports examines athletes who have broken down the biggest barriers in sports.

Coworkers Currently Gchatting About You

YOUR OFFICE—Although they are reportedly attempting to appear busy by typing rapidly and leaning in toward their computer screens, sources confirmed that your coworkers are, in fact, Gchatting about you at this very moment.

Father Marvels At How Quickly Kids Growing Distant

MANCHESTER, CT—Saying they were becoming closed-off adults right before his very eyes, local father Peter Halfon, 49, described to reporters Wednesday his continued amazement at how quickly his kids are growing distant. Halfon, who said he is unable...

Tips For Disciplining Your Kids

Raising children to become well-behaved adults is a challenge every parent faces. Here are The Onion’s tips for disciplining your kids

Nitro Expected To Win Westminster Dog Fight

NEW YORK—Lauding his sturdy build, immaculate pedigree, and unparalleled ability to latch onto opponents’ throats until they bleed to death, sources confirmed today that purebred American pit bull terrier Nitro is widely expected to secure top...

Conservative Acquaintance Annoyingly Not Racist

BROOKLYN, NY—Acknowledging that the man’s right-wing views are more nuanced than one might expect, 36-year-old liberal Diana Hardwick confided to reporters Tuesday that her conservative acquaintance Brady Daniels is, quite frustratingly, not r...

Humanity Forced To Put Down Aging God

THE HEAVENS—Citing an inability to adequately care for the aging all-powerful deity, members of the human race told reporters Monday that they were forced to put down God, the omniscient creator worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths ...

Winter Olympics Schedule

The 22nd Winter Olympics is in full swing in the resort town of Sochi, Russia, where top athletes from around the world will compete over the next two weeks to win medals for ice hockey, figure skating, and more.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.