The 2014 Winter Olympics In Review

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Issue 5007

Self-Conscious Flasher Fully Clothed Under Trench Coat

Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor coliseum to watch a patient battle cancer, Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat.

So-Called Christian Has Erection

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God, local 27-year-old and so-called Christian Jeff Daugherty currently has an erection. Dau...

Revelations From The Wells Report

With the recent release of Ted Wells’ report, Onion Sports examines what the NFL-ordered investigation discovered about workplace harassment within the Miami Dolphins.

Nemesis Lands Alumni Magazine Cover

ROCKVILLE, MD—Looking through her mail upon returning home from work Monday, Kenyon College graduate Halley Katz was reportedly repulsed and angered to discover that her cursed archrival had landed the cover of her college’s alumni magazine.

Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter

Getting a good night’s sleep is imperative for good health, but once in a while it’s necessary to stay up all night to get work done.

G.I. Joe Turns 50

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the release of G.I Joe, the first toy to be marketed under the term “action figure.” Here’s a look back at the history of the iconic Hasbro product: 1964: Hasbro releases its first G...

Real-Life Nancy Drew Traces Source Of Her HPV

CHARLOTTE, NC—Cleverly putting together the clues to crack the case Monday, Samantha Pearson—a real-life Nancy Drew—reportedly used her sleuthing skills to deduce who had infected her with genital human papillomavirus.

Nation’s Shark Experts: ‘You Could’ve Had This Job’

BIMINI, BAHAMAS—Saying that with just a modest degree of effort and planning you could be boarding a boat alongside them right now and heading out to dive at a picturesque coral reef, the nation’s shark experts confirmed Monday that you could ...
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Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: