The 2014 Winter Olympics In Review

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Issue 5007

Self-Conscious Flasher Fully Clothed Under Trench Coat

Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor coliseum to watch a patient battle cancer, Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat.

Study: Best, Most Important Memories Made Before Age 25

A recent study on retirees found that most people make their most important or life-changing memories before age 25, with subjects listing life transitions such as marriage and having children as their most important moments in life.

So-Called Christian Has Erection

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God, local 27-year-old and so-called Christian Jeff Daugherty currently has an erection. Dau...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

The 2014 Winter Olympics In Review

Thousands Of Athletes Who Will Disgrace Countries Eagerly Training For Winter Olympics
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Russia Applauds America's Efforts To Exclude Gay Athletes From Professional Sports
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Athletes Arrive In Sochi For 2-Week Living Nightmare
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Russian Officials Promise Low Death Toll For Olympics
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Lolo Jones Becomes First American To Be Objectified In Both Winter And Summer Events
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Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other
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Olympian Has Always Dreamed About One Day Having Fun With Friends
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Big Brown Makes Winter Olympic Debut
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Growing Ball Of Snow, Outstretched Limbs Barreling Down Slopes Wins Silver
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Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice
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Scandinavian Conquerors Ransack Seaside Village Of All Its Gold
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15-Year-Old Figure Skating Sensation No Match For Zamboni
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U.S. Advances To Women’s Hockey, Hey, Get The Fuck Back Here
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Winter Olympics Inspire Nation’s Youth To Try Sports Their Parents Can’t Afford
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Olympic Officials To Have Ski Jumpers Go One At A Time From Now On
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Sochi’s Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics
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