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Issue 5008

Empire State Building Reopens Spire To Visitors

Expressing a deeply held political opinion is referred to as a ‘gaffe,’ the Reverend Al Sharpton takes time off from his holy duties to make a TV appearance, and the Empire State Building reopens its spire to visitors.

How Oscar Winners Are Selected

Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have until Tuesday, Feb. 25 to cast their Oscar ballots. Here is the process by which Academy members will select this year’s winners

Tips For Troubleshooting Your Computer

Even the most experienced user can run into error messages, software crashes, hardware malfunctions, and other issues with their computer. Here are some tips for keeping your machine running smoothly

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn...

Why Has This Winter Been So Harsh?

The central and eastern parts of the United States are currently suffering through one of the coldest winters on record, with the so-called polar vortex returning yet again this week to the Midwest and Northeast.

Fourth-Grader Named Jackson To Someday Fire You

TORRINGTON, CT—Though he is as yet unaware of your existence and the two of you won’t even meet for another 23 years, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local fourth-grader named Jackson will one day fire you. 

Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless

‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors

NEW YORK—Saying that nobody deserves to endure such an atrocious fate, doctors at Mount Sinai Medical Center announced at a press conference Tuesday that they had diagnosed cancer with stage IV Skip Bayless. Surgical oncologist Dr. Andrew Bergman co...
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.