Sexual Predator Gets Tenure

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Issue 5010

Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn a...

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Sexual Predator Gets Tenure

Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald’s is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure.

Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected pontiff one year ago Thursday, taking the name Pope Francis and beginning a colorful and progressive tenure as the head of the Catholic Church.

Highlights From SXSW Interactive

The interactive portion of the South by Southwest festival concluded yesterday in Austin, TX. Here is a look back at the top moments from this year’s event

Obama Spends Afternoon In Garage Restoring Classic Drone

WASHINGTON—Taking his time to thoroughly clean a pair of replacement carburetors and install them on a turbocharged Rotax engine as classic rock tracks blared from a nearby transistor radio, sources confirmed that President Barack Obama spent most o...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...

McDonald’s Now Offering Bereavement Prices

OAK BROOK, IL—Saying that the company is proud to support its customers in their darkest hour of sorrow, McDonald’s representatives announced Tuesday that the fast food chain will begin offering lower bereavement pricing to patrons who have re...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 11, 2014

Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a complete compromise based on a fear of dying alone. Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's-magazine ...

Man Who Treats Women With Respect Asked What His Secret Is

MINNEAPOLIS—Commenting upon his seemingly effortless ability to interact with all kinds of women, friends of local financial analyst Matt Brownlow, a man who regularly treats members of the opposite sex with respect, reportedly asked the 28-year-old...

Company President Started Out As Fertilized Embryo

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he had come in 56 years, MerCal Enterprises president David Gilford reflected this week on his rise from a humble fertilized embryo to head of a publicly traded multinational company. Speaking from his executive su...

Expectant Parents Throw Some Values Together At Last Minute

SAN JOSE, CA—With their baby daughter due to arrive any day now, expectant couple Drew and Francesca Mott have reportedly been scrambling this week to cobble together a working system of ethical principles and moral values they can pass along to the...
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