$85,000 In Fertility Treatments Result In Miracle

Top Headlines

Issue 5011

Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Couple Excited To Start Planning Wedding Expenses

DENVER—Shortly after local woman Mary Ann Burnett accepted the marriage proposal of longtime boyfriend Dave Ellsworth during a dinner date Wednesday night, the smiling couple announced they couldn’t wait to get started planning their wedding e...

Networking Tips

Connecting with professionals in the same field can open up a world of opportunity for job seekers.

Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer

BRIDGEPORT, CT—During a regularly scheduled appointment at St. Vincent’s Medical Center this afternoon, sources confirmed that after glancing at medical data for only a few moments, local hypochondriac Stephen Parsons became obsessively convin...

Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up

OMAHA, NE—In a move that has excited millions of fans across the country, business magnate Warren Buffett announced Wednesday that he will pay a grand prize of $1 billion if famed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale manages to shut up for the dur...

Sexually Frustrated Woman Just One Of The Guys

ASPINWALL, PA—Noting that the 26-year-old with unfulfilled physical needs is easygoing and really fun to hang out with, several of Sarah Valetta’s male friends told reporters Tuesday that the sexually frustrated woman is pretty much one of the...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 18, 2014

Aries A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide them with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fulness of time. Taurus You will get a haircut this week. However, w...

Crimean Voters Excited To Exercise Democracy For Last Time

SIMFEROPOL, UKRAINE—Following yesterday’s referendum in which 97 percent of voters cast ballots in favor of seceding from Ukraine and joining the Russian Federation, Crimean citizens expressed their excitement Monday at participating in the de...

Nation Demands More Mind-Blowing Guitar Solos

WASHINGTON—Voicing their calls for heavy distortion and completely badass riffs, millions of Americans across the country fervently demanded a significant increase in the number of mind-blowing guitar solos Monday, sources nationwide confirmed. High...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage