Eating Small Meals Throughout Day Doesn’t Help Weight Loss

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Issue 5012

Batman Turns 75

Sunday marks the 75th anniversary of Batman’s first appearance in DC Comics. Here is a timeline of important events in the evolution of the Caped Crusader from comic book hero to billion-dollar franchise

Mark From Sales Currently Leading Bracket Pool

You Know, Mark

FINDLAY, OH—Following the first four Sweet 16 games of this year’s NCAA Tournament, sources at local marketing firm Jones-Brannon Media confirmed Friday that Mark from sales is currently leading the office bracket pool.

4 Senators Mauled During Congressional Tiger Show

WASHINGTON—Four United States senators are reportedly recovering in Washington-area hospitals today following a shocking and grisly incident Thursday night, when a 480-pound male tiger brutally mauled the elected officials in front of a full audienc...

Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room

PEORIA, IL—Daintily rising from his desk chair as he meekly whispered a pitiful apology into his iPhone, local accounting assistant and pathetic little pussy Andrew Kirby, 32, reportedly needed to take an incoming call in another room Thursday, offi...

Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this year’s NCAA Tournament Sweet 16: Florida vs. UCLA OSN’s Pick: Florida — As long as the Gators are hitting their shots, they’...

Unclear If Grandma Just Friends With 81-Year-Old Widowed Man

ORLANDO, FL—During their visit Thursday to the Avalon Retirement Community, the grandchildren of Rose Markowitz told reporters they were no closer to determining if their grandmother was merely friends with an 81-year-old widower who lives in her bu...

Notable Celebrity Breakups

Academy Award winner Gwyneth Paltrow stunned visitors to her website yesterday by announcing her divorce from husband and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin in an online post.

Nation Rallies Behind Embattled Celebrity Gown

LOS ANGELES—In response to a rash of harsh criticism leveled against a gown worn by actress Charlize Theron at a recent Hollywood charity event, millions of Americans across the country have risen up this week to show their support for the publicly ...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 25, 2014

Aries Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages. Taurus This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy...

87% Of Man’s Memories Shame-Based

DULUTH, MN—Stating that the man is rarely able to reflect on events from earlier in his life without visibly wincing, sources confirmed Monday that 87 percent of local medical claims processor Tyler Collins’ memories are rooted in the emotions...

Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs

INDIANAPOLIS—Between her regular employment cleaning homes and side work waitressing at Perkins on mornings and weekends, 35-year-old single mother Janice Paulings is greedily hogging two jobs all to herself, outraged sources reported Monday.

Browns Eyeing 6 Quarterbacks To Rifle Through In 2014

CLEVELAND—In an effort to dispel uncertainty surrounding the quarterback position, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine confirmed Monday that the team is currently monitoring six players to rifle through in rapid succession next season.
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Eating Small Meals Throughout Day Doesn’t Help Weight Loss

Contradicting the theory that eating small meals throughout the day is effective for weight loss, a new study has found that eating frequent small portions of food doesn’t actually help people lose weight any more than those who eat three meals per day. What do you think?