Smooth Operator Also Forklift Operator

Top Headlines

Issue 5013

Coco Crisp Shyly Asks Bob Melvin If A’s Are Poor

OAKLAND, CA—Upon realizing that opponents always seem to have better facilities, equipment, and players, team sources confirmed Friday that Oakland A’s outfielder Coco Crisp approached manager Bob Melvin and quietly asked whether their team wa...

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags

COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed.

U.S. Currency Finally Achieves Universal Suffrage

WASHINGTON—Saying they had awaited this day for decades, activists across the country celebrated yesterday following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision to grant full and universal suffrage to American currency. The decision from the nation...

‘Forbes’ Releases 2014 List Of Most Punchable CEOs

NEW YORK—Featuring brief career summaries and estimated net worths of some of the most successful and prominent leaders in business, Forbes magazine published Thursday its annual list of the world’s 100 Most Punchable CEOs. Based on cri...

Woman Tragically Succumbs To Natural Hair Color

LOS FELIZ, CA—After nearly six years of expensive treatments and dozens of visits to top professional stylists, local woman Denise LaMarck, 32, tragically succumbed to her natural hair color, her friends reported this morning.

Tips For Getting In Shape

With swimsuit season on the horizon, Americans across the nation are working hard to get their bodies in peak physical fitness for summer.

Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

PARIS—Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super-boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesda...

Nation Already Sick Of Baseball

WASHINGTON—With the MLB season still less than a week old, millions of weary Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that they were already sick of baseball.

EPA Announces New Initiative To Conserve Whatever’s Left

WASHINGTON—In an effort to forestall the nation’s decline in biodiversity and ecological resources, representatives from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced an expansive new initiative Wednesday aimed at the conservation of whatever’s left.

Tips For Improving Memory

Many people find themselves struggling to recall an acquaintance’s name or remember where they left an important item, like their keys or cell phone. Here are a few simple brain-boosting tips that will help you avoid these mental missteps and improve your memory
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage