Exit From Apartment Delayed 20 Seconds To Avoid Pleasantries With Neighbor

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Issue 5014

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.

Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity

BERKELEY, CA—Challenging long-held views on the origins of divinity, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley, presented findings Thursday that confirm God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe, evolved from an ancient chimpanzee deity. ...

Area Man Mystified By Layout Of Adjacent Town’s Kroger

BELLEVUE, KY—Eyeing the shelves of products with visible puzzlement as he tentatively wandered up and down the grocery store’s aisles, Woodlawn resident Patrick Gatling admitted to being deeply mystified Thursday by the layout of the Kroger in...

The Lasting Impact Of Climate Change

A new report released by the U.N. illustrated the wide-ranging effects that rising temperatures will have on the environment unless restrictions are placed on greenhouse gas emissions.

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...

Child Shown Field Where Cubs Suck

CHICAGO—Visiting for the first time in his young life, 9-year-old Jacob Tendering was reportedly shown the field where his favorite team, the Chicago Cubs, suck every home game of the year, sources confirmed Wednesday.

NBA Viewers Ruled Out Until Playoffs

NEW YORK—Putting a noticeable damper on the final week of the regular season, sources confirmed Wednesday that NBA viewers have been officially ruled out until the playoffs.

Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

“It’s In His Butt,” Say Researchers

Researchers today took a break from bullying their colleague Carl to announce to the world that Carl is a little pansy boy and that they are sick of him.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 8, 2014

Aries A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this this week and in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announces price hikes on all divine services. Taurus Mars and Venus will both appear in ...

Immigrant Also Applying To A Few Reach Countries

LUANG PRABANG, LAOS—Noting that his consular officer said it couldn’t hurt to take a chance on a few long shots, prospective immigrant Soukan Chitmany told reporters Monday that, in addition to applying for permanent residence in a number of m...
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Exit From Apartment Delayed 20 Seconds To Avoid Pleasantries With Neighbor

SAN FRANCISCO—Having already put on his jacket and slung his messenger bag over his shoulder, 30-year-old Marcus Albright reportedly paused mere moments before opening his apartment door to leave for work Friday morning, delaying his exit some 20 seconds to avoid exchanging pleasantries with his neighbor across the hall. “I was just about to walk out, but then I heard Jeff [Wilhelm]’s door open and I heard him step out, so I just decided to wait inside for a few moments until he locked his door and left,” said Albright, who reportedly stood quietly in his entryway holding his keys in his hand for nearly half a minute to prevent a congenial and passing dialogue with his neighbor. “I figured if I just hung out there until I heard him go down the stairs and then waited for the click of the front door to the building closing behind him then I should be good.” At press time, Albright reportedly made an abrupt detour into a nearby convenience store after noticing Wilhelm waiting at his bus stop.