Xylophonist Shredding It

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Issue 5015

Xylophonist Shredding It

Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers, newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it.

Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the offi...

Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today

BOONEVILLE, MS—Surveying the eight gas pumps from his post behind the counter at the Walker Avenue Shell station, local clerk Marvin Peters told reporters he was especially pleased to see pump 2 performing so well among customers Thursday.

Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family

DETROIT—Following several years of lackluster performance and unmet expectations under his own roof, Detroit Pistons president of basketball operations Joe Dumars announced this week that he will be stepping down in order to spend more time rebuildi...

Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front

BRUNSWICK, OH—Announcing his intentions to pick up his 13-year-old daughter at 6:30 sharp, local dad Phil Cobb clearly and concisely outlined his plan to honk when he’s out front, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship.

Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty

AUGUSTA, GA—Saying that he is far too busy right now and can’t afford to miss any work, local financial compliance officer Bill Claremont told reporters that he is looking for any possible way to get out of executioner duty after receiving an ...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 15, 2014

Aries You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive. Taurus While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that fall...

Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out

NORFOLK, VA—Cracking open a beer and settling into his couch Saturday night, local man Martin Burfette, who had no previously scheduled plans for the evening nor invitations to attend a social gathering of any kind, confirmed that he was simply too ...

Rival PGA Hooligans Clash During Final Round Of Masters

AUGUSTA, GA—Gathering in large groups and vociferously chanting expletive-filled songs in support of their favorite players, several groups of rival PGA hooligans violently clashed at the Augusta National Golf Club during the final round of the Mast...
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.