The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 5, 2014

Top Headlines

Issue 5017

Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings

AKRON, OH—Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past sev...

Pope Francis Pursues Sinner Across Vatican City Rooftops

VATICAN CITY—Numerous onlookers confirmed that His Holiness Pope Francis could be seen Thursday sprinting along the Holy See’s rooftops, darting between the chimneys and marble sculptures of the apostles atop St. Peter’s Basilica

Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that the topic has been brought up at dinner several times this week, household sources confirmed Tuesday that local father Adam Pitzer works with a guy whose son plays Triple-A baseball.

Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie

SANTA FE, NM—Claiming that he was simply too exhausted to give the film the attention it deserved at such a late hour, local unemployed man Colin Yarbrough, 25, reportedly vowed Tuesday night to wake up bright and early the next morning and finish w...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time

DURHAM, NC—Noting he had been caught off-guard by the question on first dates in the past, area 32-year-old Logan Firks told reporters Monday he is confident he will be ready to answer this time if the woman he is meeting for dinner asks about his s...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 29, 2014

Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro over what is and is not in f...

Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation

WHITE PLAINS, NY—After years of gathering evidence and building a case against what has come to be regarded as one of the world’s largest and most successful smut distribution networks, federal agents busted a massive child pornography corpora...

What The Average Teen Spends On Prom

The cost of going to prom is predicted to be nearly $1,000 this year, with teens and their families spending enormous amounts of money on formal wear, limousines, post-dance parties, and more.

Bill And Melinda Scoggins Foundation Pledges $58 For Charity

GALENA, IL—Continuing in its philanthropic mission to promote educational and humanitarian causes throughout the entire northwest Illinois region, the Bill and Melinda Scoggins Foundation announced Monday a landmark $58 pledge to help fund the local...

Mom Packs Encouraging Note In Own Lunch

GREENSBURG, IN—In an effort to brighten her afternoon and get herself through the tough first day of another week, area mother and account manager Anna Claremont, 43, reportedly tucked an affectionate, handwritten note into her own lunch bag Monday ...
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