Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

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Issue 5018

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A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.

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Onion Sports 2014 Mock Draft

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BRISTOL, CT—Three days after the massive bulletin board of the top 2014 NFL Draft prospects fell and pinned him to the floor of his basement, sources confirmed Thursday that an injured, severely dehydrated Mel Kiper Jr.

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Michael Jordan Mulling Return To Craps Table

LAS VEGAS—Having walked away following nine heart-pounding rounds, sources confirmed Tuesday night that former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan is considering a return to the craps table at the Bellagio casino.

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Babies spend the first year of life exploring their surroundings by tasting and touching, which is why it’s essential for parents to be diligent in protecting them.

Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

MISSOULA, MT—Explaining that he has been knocked around pretty hard lately by all kinds of confusing new emotions and awkward changes to his body, local sources confirmed Tuesday that puberty is absolutely teeing off on area teenager Spencer Huncosk...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 6, 2014

Aries After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you several thousand dollars. Taurus You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood w...

Tiger Always Checked Out Of Local Zoo

SAN FRANCISCO—Complaining that another patron always seems to have borrowed the animal before he gets a chance to take it home, frustrated local man Scott Gardner told reporters Monday that the sole Siberian tiger at his local zoo is checked out eve...

Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering

OLYMPIA, WA—After an extended period of fussing and crying in his bassinet, 10-day-old Joshua Brundage was reportedly calmed Sunday by the familiar sounds of his parents’ raised voices, a daily occurrence that he is said to have grown accustom...
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Election 2016

Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for him. “Amanda, will you disregard the vision of an ideal husband you’ve been building up in your mind since you were a little girl and marry, for whatever reason, me?” Johnson reportedly asked as he produced the only ring he was able to afford on his meager salary as a computer salesman, a job that would likely prevent Spaid from being able to enjoy a level of material comfort that she could have easily attained with one of millions of other potential mates. “Realistically, just based on my mediocre personality, genetic shortcomings, and substandard romantic and sexual abilities, I’m not going to make you the happiest woman in the world. But I guess what I’m asking is: Will you spend the rest of your life with me, a guy who, at this point in time, is probably your most sensible option?” Spaid went on to express surprise upon realizing Johnson was willing to throw away all of his freedom and independence for, of all people, her.