The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 19, 2014

Top Headlines

Issue 5019

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...

Everyone In Sears Spanking A Child

ROCHESTER, NY—Citing offenses such as talking back, whining, and touching everything in the goddamn store, every adult shopper in Sears’ Medley Center Parkway location is currently spanking their child, sources confirmed Thursday.

Paleontologists Unearth Earliest Known Dinosaur Stickers

MISSOULA, MT—Calling the discovery a major breakthrough for our understanding of the past, paleontologists working onsite in central Montana announced Thursday that they have excavated the earliest known dinosaur stickers on record. Members of the s...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Top Wedding Trends For 2014

As the 2014 wedding season gets underway this month, thousands of couples across the country are preparing to tie the knot in memorable and carefully customized ceremonies.

How Twitter Is Trying To Retain Users

Twitter’s stock price has fallen in recent months amid growing concerns that the microblogging site is losing steam among users and having trouble finding a mainstream audience.

The Case For And Against Animal Testing

Laboratories experiment on an estimated 26 million animals every year to determine whether commercial products and medications are safe for humans, a practice that many activists argue is inhumane and can be replaced by other testing methods.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 13, 2014

Aries It's very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week's end you'll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake. Taurus This week's revelations will be especial...

The Pros And Cons Of Breastfeeding

While studies have shown numerous benefits of breastfeeding for both infants and mothers, it can be particularly difficult for working moms to find the time to do so, while other women are unable to breastfeed for a variety of reasons.

Stone-Hearted Ice Witch Forgoes Exclamation Point

BETHESDA, MD—In a diabolical omission of the utmost cruelty, stone-hearted ice witch Leslie Schiller sent her friend a callous thank-you email devoid of even a single exclamation point, sources confirmed Monday.

Local Man Not Sure How He Ended Up In Boxing Entourage

LAS VEGAS—Perplexed and disoriented as he accompanied WBO light heavyweight champion Sergey “Krusher” Kovalev to the ring at the MGM Grand Garden Arena Saturday, local man Derek Hoff confirmed to reporters that he has absolutely no idea ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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