Leonardo DiCaprio Auctions Off Trip To Space With Him

Top Headlines

Issue 5020

Bag Of Flour Has Slave Auction On Front

Scientists politely remind the world that clean energy technology is ready to go whenever, a new study finds most high school graduates are woefully unprepared for high school, and a bag of flour has a slave auction on its front.

Who Is California Chrome?

Legal Name: Zachary Nelson Wingspan: 73” Species: A horse Pre-Race Ritual: Lasix, warm-up jog, butazolidin, xylazine, bath, etorphine, post parade Lifelong Aspiration: To kill small man on back Biggest Secret...

Resigned Labor Department To Give Every Unemployed American Self-Serve Yogurt Shop

‘Look, This Is All We’ve Got,’ Labor Secretary Tells Nation’s Jobless

WASHINGTON—Admitting their agency has exhausted every other viable option for putting jobless Americans back to work, resigned officials from the U.S. Department of Labor announced plans Thursday to try giving every unemployed citizen a self-serve frozen yogurt shop to own and operate.

High School Suspends Hunky Student For Wearing Shirt

MURFREESBORO, TN—Saying it was potentially disruptive to an educational environment in which all were entitled to see his rock-hard abs, administrators at Merritt High School suspended hunky senior Ryan Magnuson Wednesday for wearing a shirt.

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

3 Sports Scientists Killed Attempting To Harness X Factor

TULSA, OK—Prompting questions over safety standards in similar laboratories across the country, three sports scientists were reportedly left dead and dozens more injured at the University of Tulsa on Tuesday while attempting to harness the X factor.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 20, 2014

Aries Applying tactics found in classic American folktales to your problems seemed like a good idea, but it turns out collection agencies have gotten wise to the old Tar Baby trick. Taurus You'll try to set the world afi...

Planning The Perfect Road Trip

With summer fast approaching, many people are planning long car trips to visit tourist attractions, see old friends, or simply hit the open road.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Leonardo DiCaprio Auctions Off Trip To Space With Him

At the annual Foundation for Aids Research auction on Thursday, Leonardo DiCaprio auctioned off a trip accompanying him to outer space in 2015 for more than $1 million. What do you think?