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Issue 5021

Nation's Depressed March On Atlantic Ocean

The only nation where this regularly happens concludes that there’s no way to prevent this, a college rape victim is pretty thrilled about recounting her assault to a faculty committee, and the nation’s depressed individuals march on the Atlan...

How Recycling Works

With humans consuming an increasing amount of resources, the process of recycling has become more important than ever for protecting the planet.

Modernized Space Camp Allows Kids To Simulate Frustration Over Lack Of Funding

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Aiming to provide attendees with an authentic glimpse into the nation’s space program, representatives for the U.S. Space & Rocket Center announced Thursday that its newly updated Space Camp will allow children to simulate the anger and mounting frustration experienced by NASA personnel over a continual lack of funding.

Man Terrified To Realize He Could Easily Go On Like This

FARMINGTON, NM—Despite being deeply dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of his life, local man Paul Gallardo told reporters Thursday that he was terrified to realize he could very easily continue to exist in such an unhappy state and probably woul...

Beach Safety Tips

The return of warm temperatures and summer sun means many families and friends are hitting the beach to swim, sunbathe, and relax.

Elderly Man Hailed As Alert

AVONDALE, AZ—Seeing him this weekend for the first time since the holidays, the family of local widower Gene Riggs spoke glowingly of the 87-year-old, hailing him as alert and aware of what was going on around him.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 27, 2014

Aries Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered the contest. Taurus You will be celebrated and vilifie...
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