Parents At Graduation Celebrate Child’s Last Accomplishment

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Issue 5022

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.

Who Is Bowe Bergdahl?

Bowe Bergdahl, the American soldier held captive by the Taliban for five years, was released on May 31 in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees.

Man Honestly Thinks He’s Going To Get To Bed Early

DANBURY, CT—Entertaining outlandish delusions of actually getting in a solid eight hours of sleep, 29-year-old Josh Briner is honestly under the impression that he will be going to bed early, sources confirmed Thursday.

Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop

DENTON, TX—Stressing that they were there solely to purchase gasoline and use the bathroom if necessary, area dad Mike Whitcomb clarified while pulling into a travel plaza Thursday that this was not a food stop.

Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters Wednesday ahead of the Stanley Cup Finals, New York Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault confirmed that veteran goaltender Henrik Lundqvist will need to really step up on offense if the team is to beat the Kings and secu...

NYPD Offering No-Questions-Asked DVD Drop-Off

NEW YORK—Determined to reduce their devastating impact on the local community, the NYPD announced a new amnesty program Wednesday permitting New Yorkers to dispose of their DVDs anonymously and without consequence.

Summer Vacation Vs. Year-Round Schooling

Students around the nation are currently anticipating the end of the school year and the start of summer vacation, while some education experts argue that a year-round education system would prevent children from falling behind in school.

God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die

THE HEAVENS—Calling it one of the greatest mysteries in life, the Lord God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, admitted Wednesday that He often wonders what happens to human beings after they die. The Creator of Heaven and Earth, who said He has often gr...

ESPN Now Allowing Second-Year Anchors To Live Off Campus

BRISTOL, CT—Reversing a long-held policy requiring their younger television personalities to reside at the network’s sprawling 123-acre headquarters, ESPN announced Wednesday that second-year anchors will now be allowed to live in approved off...

How Companies Are Going Green

As part of an effort to conserve resources and cultivate an eco-conscious image, many companies across the nation are adopting environmentally friendly business practices.

The Case For And Against NSA Surveillance Online

Newly leaked documents have revealed that the National Security Agency is gathering electronic images of Americans and using facial recognition technology to identify individuals, escalating ongoing arguments about whether domestic surveillance is a ne...

Rest Of World Not Biting On Couple’s Open Relationship

SAN JACINTO, CA—Despite local married couple Jim and Nancy McFadden’s recent decision to seek new romantic partners while still staying together, sources reported Monday that the rest of the world’s population is not exactly jumping at t...
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Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.