Child Pleads Case For Why Family Rabbit Should Be Named Aunt Susan

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Issue 5025

Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain

Archaeologists working at an ancient campsite in Alicante, Spain discovered a pile of poop left by Neanderthals 50,000 years ago, which revealed that they were not strict carnivores as previously believed, but also ate plant matter.

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The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad bac...

Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirme...

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Child Pleads Case For Why Family Rabbit Should Be Named Aunt Susan

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Standing firmly behind his preference by delivering a sequence of fervent and well-reasoned arguments, local child Ben Greenewalt reportedly pleaded Friday for the Holland Lop rabbit his family recently acquired to be named Aunt Susan. “The bunny has all white hair, and Aunt Susan has all white hair,” said Greenewalt, 5, in his impassioned appeal to name the new pet after his mother’s elder sister, Susan Kanter, 48, making comparisons between the popular breed of household rabbit and Kanter’s demeanor, appetite, and physical features. “Please. The bunny’s kind of round and Aunt Susan is too. And they both eat a lot and just sit there. And you know what else? I love Aunt Susan, and I’m going to love this bunny so much.” Greenewalt concluded his presentation with a stirring reminder of his older brother Jeremy’s ineligibility for naming privileges, as he had selected the name of their goldfish, Jeremy.

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