BREAKING: Cavaliers Agree To Trade Andrew Wiggins, LeBron James For Kevin Love

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Issue 5028

Mom $15,000 In The Hole With Ceramic Frog Dealer

Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer.

Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday

EAST HARTFORD, CT—Thinking wearily of the moment when he would have to return to the daily grind, local man Dan Zageris is already dreading going back to his marriage Monday, sources confirmed this weekend.

God Pledges $5,000 For Cancer Research

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His hope that the contribution would assist efforts to find a cure for the devastating disease, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Thursday that He had pledged $5,000 to the American Cancer ...

Report Confirms No Need To Make New Chairs For The Time Being

‘We Can Just Keep Using The Chairs We Have,’ Say Experts

WASHINGTON—A report released Tuesday by a team of researchers at the Brookings Institution has confirmed that the United States currently has enough chairs and there is no urgent need to produce new ones. Representing a five-year inquiry into the na...

Understanding The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Tensions have quickly escalated in Gaza following the recent collapse of peace talks and the subsequent kidnappings and murders of Israeli and Palestinian teens, with Israeli citizens now threatened by daily rocket fire from Hamas while Gaza residents ...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 15, 2014

Aries Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign. Taurus Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic...

Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the f...
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BREAKING: Cavaliers Agree To Trade Andrew Wiggins, LeBron James For Kevin Love

CLEVELAND—Following lengthy and protracted trade negotiations, the Cleveland Cavaliers announced Friday that the team has agreed to deal No. 1 draft pick Andrew Wiggins and four-time league MVP LeBron James to the Minnesota Timberwolves in exchange for power forward Kevin Love. “Though it was a tough decision to let Andrew and LeBron go, we felt that adding Kevin gives our team the best chance to compete for an NBA championship next season,” said Cleveland GM David Griffin, adding that it ultimately wasn’t possible to acquire Love from Minnesota without giving up both Wiggins and James. “We’re thrilled to welcome Kevin to the team. I have no doubt that he will be a great fit in Cleveland and will quickly become a fan favorite.” Griffin went on to say that everyone within the Cavaliers organization wished Wiggins and James nothing but the best in Minnesota.