Nurse To Grab Lunch Right After She Finishes Draining Bile From Man’s Liver

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Issue 5030

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Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box.

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PHOENIX—Admitting that it has taken him a while to get fully oriented since being called up to the majors, rookie Arizona Diamondbacks shortstop Chris Owings confirmed Wednesday that he is still attempting to learn and memorize the names of all four...

Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away

CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.

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While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

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WASHINGTON—Following years of research and testing, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration officially approved a groundbreaking artificial tumor Tuesday, marking the first time a synthetic malignant growth has been cleared for use in patients across ...

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 29, 2014

ARIES: Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out. 
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Nurse To Grab Lunch Right After She Finishes Draining Bile From Man’s Liver

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Saying that she could go for Thai or maybe Mexican, nurse Rhonda Merritt reportedly told colleagues at Martha Jefferson Hospital today that she plans to grab lunch as soon as she finishes draining all the bile from an elderly patient’s infected liver. “Pad thai wouldn’t be bad, but I just had that a couple days ago, so maybe Chipotle?” the 42-year-old nurse said to her coworkers as she removed a catheter bag filled with green-brown liquid from her patient and then turned him on his side to sop up the discharge from a bedsore on his tailbone. “One of those carne asada burritos actually sounds pretty good right about now. Definitely with guac and sour cream. Man, I’m starving.” Adding that she didn’t have much time before she needed to suction out a few patients’ tracheostomy openings, Merritt then reportedly told colleagues that she might just have some chow mein delivered.