Asexually Reproduced Sea Sponge Worried She’s Turning Into Herself

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Issue 5031

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly w...

Survey: Americans Watching Better Sex Than Ever

LOS ANGELES—Reflecting a significant shift in societal attitudes and behaviors, a survey completed this week by researchers at the University of Southern California revealed that American adults are watching far better sex than ever before. The init...

Dorm Room Essentials

With college right around the corner for millions of incoming freshmen, students across the country are shopping for sheets, towels, shower sandals, decorations, and other essential items to prepare for college life and make their dorm rooms feel like ...

Study Finds Blame Now Fastest Human Reflex

WALTHAM, MA—According to a study published Wednesday in the New England Journal of Medicine, blame has now surpassed instinctive responses such as blinking and flinching as the fastest human reflex.

Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Keeping Your Child Safe Online

Polls indicate that 95 percent of teenagers are online, while a growing number of young children now have access to internet-capable cell phones and devices.

Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting

LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday.

Employer Totally Botches Job Interview

EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee.
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