Burger King Phases Out Satisfries, Brings Back Chicken Fries

Top Headlines

Issue 5032

Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs

CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal t...

Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting

A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting.

Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen

With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations.

Visit To Doctor Splurged On

WILMINGTON, DE—Admitting that it has been a long time since he’s allowed himself such an indulgence, local 26-year-old Greg Burnet told reporters Thursday that he recently decided to splurge on an appointment with his general practitioner.

LensCrafters, Pearle Vision Agree To Prisoner Exchange

BEAVERCREEK, OH—In a sign that tensions may at last be thawing between the bitter eyewear rivals, LensCrafters and Pearle Vision reportedly agreed to a prisoner exchange Thursday following months of negotiations. Officials confirmed that five LensCr...

Busch Gardens Unveils New 9,600-Mile-Long Endurance Coaster

TAMPA, FL—Marking a bold new direction in amusement ride innovation, representatives from Busch Gardens officially opened a 9,600-mile-long mega-coaster Thursday designed to push the limits of human endurance. According to park officials, the Stamin...

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Obama Has Colorado Appraised

WASHINGTON—Hoping to get an idea of what the 138-year-old state might be worth, President Barack Obama dispatched a team of appraisers to assess the value of Colorado this week, White House sources confirmed.

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Livestock Happiest, Healthiest Attendees Of State Fair

INDIANAPOLIS—Based on criteria ranging from frequency of exercise to wholesomeness of diet to general contentment, reports confirmed Tuesday that the livestock on display at the 2014 Indiana State Fair are by far the happiest and healthiest attendee...

Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to provide comfort and serenity to patients, officials at Mount Sinai Hospital have launched a new therapy oyster program that brings hundreds of the bivalve mollusks to the bedsides of those most in need of cheering up.
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Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Burger King Phases Out Satisfries, Brings Back Chicken Fries

Nearly a year after Burger King rolled out a low-fat version of french fry called “Satisfries,” the chain has announced that it will discontinue the menu item in two-thirds of its restaurants due to poor sales and will be reintroducing “chicken fries” due to demand. What do you think?