Mom’s Bathing Suit Just One Giant, Body-Eclipsing Ruffle

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Issue 5033

God Knocked Unconscious By DirectTV Satellite

THE HEAVENS—Noting that He was a little shaken but would be all right, sources confirmed Friday that the Lord God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, was struck by a DirecTV satellite approximately 22,000 miles above earth, rendering Him unconscious for ...

Browns Impressed By Johnny Manziel’s Chemistry With Bench

CLEVELAND—Noting that it normally takes several seasons before a tandem develops such a solid connection, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine told reporters Thursday that he has been extremely impressed by rookie quarterback Johnny Manziel...

How Companies Are Appealing To Millennials

With millennials overtaking baby boomers as the biggest generation of consumers ever, companies around the nation are introducing new products, creating social media accounts, and pursuing philanthropic causes to appeal to this tech-savvy, socially con...

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.

Fireflies Almost Salvage Man’s Shitty Day

TOLEDO, OH—According to reports, the intermittent flicker of fireflies above Charles Michaelson’s front porch Friday evening came close, but ultimately fell just short of salvaging his shitty day.

Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Describing him as frequently frustrated and overwhelmed, sources confirmed Monday that local Facebook user Michael Huffman is incredibly stupid.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.