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Issue 5045

Report: 98% Of NFL Team Leaders Need To Step Up

INDIANAPOLIS—Citing the high number of leadership voids that have remained unfulfilled in locker rooms across the league, a new report published Friday in the Journal Of Quantitative Analysis In Sports revealed that a startling 98 percent of ...

All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased

DAYTON, OH—Growing increasingly discouraged while scrolling through the wedding website for college friends Kevin Fisher and Allison Scully, local 25-year-old Rob Hoffman expressed his frustration to reporters Thursday that all the cheapest items on...

God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct

THE HEAVENS—Saying that He definitely knew the event was scheduled for some point within the vast expanse of time, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Wednesday that He was unable to remember exactly what year humanity goes extinct.

Report: Friend’s Dad Knows Someone With Season Tickets

GREENWOOD, IN—Fueling speculation that the seats could be available for one of the team’s remaining home games, reports surfaced Tuesday revealing that the father of local eighth-grader Anthony Canella knows someone who owns Indianapolis Colts...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

Young Child Still Developing Antibodies To Mountain Dew

RADNOR, PA—Explaining that the child’s fever, nausea, and general discomfort were “completely normal” following his recent exposure to the substance, pediatricians at Radnor Health Associates informed the parents of local 5-year-ol...

Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Revealing that Americans still excel in assembling all types of justifications, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University confirmed that the United States remains the world’s unrivaled leader in manufactur...

Custom Fireplace Store Totally Jumps Gentrification Gun

PHILADELPHIA—Despite modest increases in the west Philadelphia neighborhood’s property values over the past several years, residents of Walnut Hill told reporters Monday that the proprietors of Fireside Connections have definitely jumped the g...

NFL Week 10 Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 10th week of the NFL season: Winners Indianapolis Colts: The Colts used their bye week to further bolster their significant lead over the Titans and Jaguars in the AFC South At...

More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum

HYATTSVILLE, MD—Noting a generational shift in the way couples choose to build their lives together, the National Center for Health Statistics confirmed this week that a growing number of Americans are delaying marriage until one partner backs the o...
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