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Issue 5110

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...

Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits

As Americans rush to fill out their tax forms before the April 15 deadline, many may not realize that they are eligible for multiple tax credits that would earn money back from the government.

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

God Shoots Himself While Cleaning Gun

THE HEAVENS—Calling it a careless mistake that was thankfully less serious than it could have been, the Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, admitted Tuesday that He accidentally shot Himself in the thigh while cleaning His Beretta 9 mm semiautomati...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.

Spring Break Safety Tips

Spring break is an opportunity for many college students to travel, party, and make memories with their friends, but it can also lead to problems if people aren’t careful.

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.
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BYU Fans Rush CBS Broadcasting Studio Following Upset Selection Into NCAA Tournament

NEW YORK—Tearing past crew members and camera equipment as they leapt onto the stage, throngs of ecstatic Brigham Young University fans reportedly stormed the CBS Sports broadcasting studio Sunday night following the Cougars’ triumphant upset selection into this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament. “We did it! We’re in!” said sophomore Brandon Wheeler, knocking over host Greg Gumbel as thousands of fellow BYU fans began excitedly jumping in unison in front of the studio backdrop. “Woo! Rise and shout, the Cougars are out!” At press time, the school’s marching band was leading the raucous crowd in a rousing rendition of “Cougar Fight Song” from atop the studio’s desk as a profusely bleeding Clark Kellogg lay unconscious on the floor.

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Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.

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